Maybe I am just tired and cranky, but last night’s American Idol auditions from Dallas just didn’t whet my Idol whistle like Philly did. The Elvis of Idoldom, Kelly Clarkson has done gone and left the building. Very few of the featured auditioners did enough last night to even moderately impress me, so be prepared for lack of emotion in this little recap o’ mine. (Come on, Friday.)Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
Random Ponderance Alert: Did baby boy Idol’s momma ever get to audition? Powers that be, we need answers.
Pitchy Former Junkie Chick - Like other Idol contestants named Jessica (Sierra) that have come before her, Jessica Brown is a (former) junkie. Having personally known people addicted to meth, I am thinking fame (even in small doses) might not be the best remedy for this recovering young mother of two. Her voice was worthy of a trip to Hollywood, but can I vote for her in good conscience, knowing that a few weeks in Hollywood might pull Jesus away from that wheel? Not so sure I could.
The Guy Simon Didn’t Come Down On, Even Though Simon Goes Down On Just About Everybody - Just where exactly does one go to sign up as an official “roller coaster enthusiast”? I am guessing maybe cheerleader camp, if you this guy’s dance moves are any indication of where he sharpens his talents. Two thumbs up! Pity the judges didn’t agree… though I just may award this guy with double entendre of the year.
Singing Waitress Chick - Why bother showing this audition? Because her supportive friend with lack of boobah coverage was there to console. Two thumbs up from Mr. Jovi, but it is apparent that someone wanted to get on TV.
Carrie Clone Chick - She was quite fond of herself, wasn’t she? Kudos to Simon for calling her out. Enough with the Miss Underwood clones - when are we gonna see some Bo Bice doppelgangers?
Brother Ponytail and Sister Sunshine - Egads. I get the feeling those two were raised in an underground bunker, and quite possibly share linking key and heart necklaces. Creeped. Me. Out. In fact, the entire show was crammed with creepy people - what the hell is going on in Dallas, yo?
Never Been Kissed Guy - When this fella received a golden ticket to Hollywood, my stomach immediately sank - and not just because of the disturbing pact symbolized by junior high promise jewelry. His voice was totally unoriginal, he oversang the song, and seemed to have a complete lack range. For a guy past his teen years, this homeboy manboy is way too content with not kissing a girl. Either papa has worked some serious mind control that could prove to be disastrous once manboy tries what he has been missing, or manboy secrety hopes to get to Hollywood to hang with Ryan. Yeah, you know what I’m sayin’.
Tattoo Head Chick - Backing singer? *Insert foghorn sound effect here* I guess she had an interesting look, but her voice by no means gave me chills. And her performance was a little subdued for such an edgy makeover. I did like her confidence, though.
Fingernail Guy - can’t… type… *gulp* vomitting….. *Wiping sweat from forehead* At least he will have a bunch of stuff to sell on eBay if he doesn’t go very far. *HURL*
Car Accident Farmer Momma Chick - Sweet gal, and I admire her attitude through her struggles… but jeez - is she on some sort of adrenaline inducing, pain reversal meds? Holy crap, she was excitable. And nothing against her, but her voice made my ears bleed. I hear that can kill a person.
Britney Impersonator Chick - Very pretty girl, and her vocal versatility could be a huge plus. I am interested in seeing her take on different styles of music, just to see if she can do it without mimicking the original artist. Even if she can’t, I’ll be amused. Hell, I watch Frank TV.
Sweaty Voice Preserving Guy - Why did mommy let this guy out of the basement? The arm cross dance moves were SUPER cool, but I was a little concerned with all the sweating, dry mouth (”Nail Me On A Prayer”?), blank stare, staggered walk - was this guy coming down from some drug induced euphoria? Good God, homeboy needed the ER, I think.
Blondie Chick Married To Delusional Derek Zoolander - Ugh, this show so could have been 75 minutes long…
Politician Guy That I Knew Was Gonna Sound Like Hillary In A Blender - But, to my surprise, he could actually sing! Not a stand out voice, but I found him kind of innocent and charming. Hopefully the talent runs deeper than what we saw in the audition. At least his gimmick was different, and I approve this message.
Squinty Eyebrow Guy - The look was a little too 80’s Kajagoogoo for me. And ANOTHER frikkin’ country singer? At least we got to see Ryan totally ruin the fakeout on the parents. Dork.
Obligatory Guy Who Has Never Been On A Plane - I think there is a really cute young kid under the dingy John Deere hat and farmer garments. He will probably get lost in the mix though - way too many country voices going to Hollywood this year.
Guy-liner Rock Guy - If you wanna look hardcore, might I recommend skipping the Crest Whitestrips and self-tanner? Menacing eyes and air microphones do not a rocker make. By this point of the show, I was ready to switch over to the Disney Channel in search of a REAL rocker, like Zac Efron.
Asian Bird Pimp Guy - Was it just me, or did this guy sound like Enrique Iglesias? He could have ROCKED Latin week. And his original song felt like the sequel to Enrique’s “Hero” - but instead of the Hero, Simon is the Glory. My fearless prediction for Idol Gives Back week is that the theme song will be Featherboy’s “Red Rutters Forever” (Translation: “We’re Brother’s Forever!”).
Overall, very weird show - where about 50% of the “singers” appeared to be on heavy medication, at the least. Left me feeling a little sedated, myself. Onward to San Diego, where hopefully we will get a glimpse of vocal excellence.
Red Rutters 4-Ever,
~ Jovi
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 17th, 2008 at 9:25 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.