American Idol - Omaha: Hot or Not?
Oh, please tell me that we will get to the Top 24 soon. Some of these auditions are getting downright painful, and regretfully, I don’t currently have a liquor cabinet in my house. I am now forced to consider remodeling my basement to install a fully stocked cantina, solely for the purpose of “supporting” me through the Idol audition process. As the Red Rocker once said - “Mas tequila!” Si, por favor.
So, this week we were treated to the vocally endowed in the apparently very sexually repressed midwest. I was hoping for some pretty decent Ha!s from Oma-ha, but the city didn’t live up to its name. (See, it’s drying up my wit well!) The bad singers were mostly just annoying, and lacked the charm of previous cities. Thankfully, there were a couple of dern gooder singers in this crop o’ Idol hopefuls.
Let’s start off with a few random musings, as I have to get these out of my brain. First, it appears that we humans have finally surpassed the aliens in our crop harvest design technology. The farmers in Nebraska made a frikkin’ American Idol logo in their corn fields. Kind of puts those crop circles to shame, I reckon.
Speaking of mysterious sightings - I am happy to report that I cracked the code of some obscure language used at the beginning of the show - note: ‘Paula plane delay’ translation = not-quite-sober-hangover. If you were paying attention, you’d notice that she judged like, one contestant - once she showed up. Most of her comments were inexpicably cut, and they even brought Ryan in to judge - this had to have been out of necessity, as the gag was certainly not entertaining. And of course, there was the Hiccup Heard ‘Round the World. I rest my case… “Simey”, Randy and the producers definitely have Pauler’s blotto back.
Um… ‘Forgot The Lyrics’ game show and “Stuck In The Middle” medley? Oh dear my. Mr. Blonde, where are you when I need you?
Okay, on with the auditions!
FOX 42’s Neoteric Red Carpet Guy - Remember Keith from Season 2? Well, this guy was Keith, the Sequel. He had to be related, right? Nasal is a form of singing that is genetic, I believe. With all the sincerity of Hillary Clinton, homeboy wiped his invisible tear from beneath his eye, and gave Simon and Randy all he’s got - including a handstand. Watch your back on the red carpet, Mikalah Gordon - especially when this guy explodes and happiness goes flying everywhere. Ew. :p
The Guy Who Couldn’t Get The Song Out - Man, I would love to know what the contestant quota is for Hollywood week. No way this guy deserved a golden ticket. I found him to be a pretty, poor man’s Josh Gracin. Decent voice, but nothing different - really affected (turn of the damn CMT!), and he oversang the song. The only reason they let him through is his ability to make the camera (and girls, apparently) squeak.
Arm Wrasslin’ Pretty Woman - If being a decent-but-not-strong-enough-to-beat-Ryan arm wrestler is your most interesting trait, I suggest that you don’t parade that snoozer of a gimmick in front of the cameras. Lucky for her, I really thought her yodel-y voice was pretty good - PRETTY, even… and thought vocally, she stands out from the gazillion other female country singers we have heard so far. And, she reminded me of a softer, less phony version of Julia Roberts. If she can connect with her true age, I think she’ll bring it come HWood Week.
The Chick With The Undertaker Makeover - Now see, - this cackling for attention, most certainly friendless (except for Mom), fashionably and cosmetically challenged misfit could have been put to good use for our entertainment, Idol powers that be! If we had to be subjected to her manic and anti-goth audition that made me wanna kick my flatscreen through the wall, shouldn’t we have at least been rewarded with an Arm Wrestling Cage Match Smackdown of Death!! between her and Julia Junior; refereed by Ryan. It would have been win-win, people!
The Chick Who Cloned Norah Jones - The judges were really distracted at this point, and probably had a quota to fill. “Don’t Know Why” she is coming to Hollywood.
Daddy’s Little Basket Case - Really pretty girl with a decent pop poice, and a gorgeous smile she doesn’t use. I felt kind of sorry for her, but I couldn’t get past the drama. It takes a lot of poise and confidence to be a pop star, and this girl was way too emotional. She should probably resolve her family issues before trying to pursue a career in music. All those shirtless photos of “dear old dad” supplied much more uncomfortable insight than I needed.
Bartender Rocker Guy - Wow, it seems Idol is a little too desperate to find this season’s resident rocker. This fellow had an okay voice, but playing this audition after all the Daughtry! hype was just plain false advertising, man. The guy was way too timid, and he looked like he was dressed up as Good Charlotte for Halloween, but his mommy wouldn’t lend him her eyeliner… or, maybe a beatboxer. Chris Daughtry is like raw sugar, this guy is more like Stevia - a little too good for me to be rock n’ roll. I need to see a wolf come out of this sheep’s argyle sweater PDQ.
Johnny B. Flamboyant - Great, we were subjected to this audition just to hear Paula’s Hiccup o’ Death. Was it worth it? Undecided here. Let’s just hope the James Brown of Scottsbluff puts his mother’s sequined blouse back in the closet before she notices.
Mr. Homecoming Queen, 2008 - Touchdown, indeed. Even sauced Paula speaks the truth, yo. I LOVE this guy. Probably my favorite contestant so far, and I want him to sign my yearbook and be my BFF 4-eva. His voice reminded me a little of Elliott Yamin, but this guy shows more confidence - mixed with almost a nerdy humility that has me en el fuego! Look out, Mr. DiCaprio, there is a new Leo in town…
Off to Miami, where Simon will appear to be an even whiter shade of pale, Paula will be seeking out a spicy little protege, Randy might discover some flava-filled Yo Factor and Ryan will undoubtedly dress better than he has in three weeks. How about a little fire, Scarecrow? Ay yi yi.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 30th, 2008 at 8:42 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.
