American Idol Report Card - The Songs Of Dolly Parton
It must have been April Fools’ Day yesterday, because I feel like I slipped into a wormhole while watching the show last night. The evidence is clear. Did anyone else notice…
… that Paula actually didn’t appear donning sparkly western wear in honor of Dolly week?
… that the He-Cook really (FINALLY!) redesigned those combover emo bangs? Jovi likey.
… that Carly’s ink-faced husband actually got some (dimly lit) camera time?
It’s like I was in an alternate Idol universe. Cray-zee fun, ya’ll. So, this is how the performances ranked for me for them:
BROOKE - First, the look - she pulled out the big Dolly stops (well, most of them) - a fluffy and curly hairdo and false eyelashes - but when she stood up post-performance she really looked, well… hungry. Aren’t they feeding the kids this year? Dolly can pull off the big ‘dos and stuff, ‘cuz she has the ample booh-bahs to balance it out. Wee Brooke, not so much. She must have suffered a migraine headache from all that hair and make-up. As for the performance - I liked that she brought in the Kat McPhee approved box instrument thingy to keep the beat, but other than that it really fell flatter than her un-Dolly-esque physique for me. I found the uncomfortable bedroom eyes and smiling rather… beguiling. Like she was trying to fake that highly debated and discussed ”emotional connection” that seems to be the lacking performance element du jour for Season 7. Plus, she sang as if she were chewing imaginary gum, and the complimenting of Paula’s hair was undeniably desperate. I’ve said it more than once this season… when the judges are commenting, just SHUT IT. On a scale of 1-10, I would give this performance a 6.
DAVID “SKULLY” COOK - Bye bye, bangs - and THANK YOU, Idol stylists for this gift from above. Much better. I noticed that David didn’t seem to be himself last night - his typical passion and energy were definitely not up to their normal level, but I still thought his performance was worthy of a “Woo-hoo!” - or several. ”Little Sparrow” is a song I just adore, and he sang the feathers out of it. The song has been running through my head all day, and his raspy falsetto left me all a-tingle. I would have never seen myself as a fan of this guy four weeks ago, but this Cook is a palate-pleaser. 9.5 out of 10.
RAMIELE - Are all of the Idol stylists on vacation this year, or what? Ramiele was back to her Danny Noriega-ish haristyle, and wore pretty much the same outfit that she was sporting last week. I feel like I am watching reruns of Jasmine Trias when Ramiele performs, only she sounds more in tune. At least, I think she is in tune, from what I can tell during the parts when I can hear her whispering over the back-up singers. Sorry Rami fans, Donny Hathaway’s daughter and the other two back-ups out sing Ramiele every week. And, I just can’t buy into this cheeky personality she seems to have developed - it reeks of a Danny Dictator sass-class. Like Randy, I wasn’t mad at you either - but I also couldn’t wait until you left the stage. At least if I was mad I would want to keep you around long enough to tell you why. Six and a half is generous - I will give this one a 4 out of 10.
JASON - Again, unfortunately no evidence of a stylist intervention here - but I was glad to see that Jason received my postcards. 
I have heard rumblings that some people were offended that Dolly referred to Jason as “kinda funky lookin’”, but if you know and get Dolly - you would understand that it was a compliment. I mean, she touched his dreads. Ew. If that ain’t open-minded, I don’t what is. As far as the performance, I looooooved it. His voice is so radio-ready, the arrangement was perfectly-paced, and I think he actually sang it to win it for the first time in a few weeks. Not too mushy, not too cheesy, and not too country - it was just right. 8.5 out of 10.
CARLY - While I agree with Simon that Carly’s fashion sense doesn’t seem to evolve at all, I couldn’t undertand why she was the only one targeted for it. Ramiele, Jason and the Archu-bot are all guilty of the same crime. One little suggestion from your very unfashionable friend Jovi - hide the ink, sister. Middle America will not be getting on board with tattoo sleeves anytime before the end of May, so if you really wanna win as much as you act like you do - simply tone it down and dress it up. The performance was one of Carly’s very best - that voice is chill inducing - not like stomach upset, but in a good way. I loved the slowed down arrangement, and her confidence was stronger than it’s been in a while. I feel like the judges are just beating her up every week to see if she will react. Maybe if she would stop talking during the critique, they would judge her more positively. 9 out of 10.
DAVID ARCHIE - Nothing to say about the way the Archu-bot looked - he seems to be in a style rut of forgettable casual jackets and t-shirts, but I guess the judges have no beef with that. I finally figured out this week who David A. sounds like! It has been driving me crazy, but I finally realized that he is a vocal clone of one hit wonder Glenn Medeiros, singer of the schmaltzy 80’s ballad “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You”. Yeah, I am that old - back off. While I thought David’s voice seemed a little whispery and strained in spots, his emotion during the vocal runs late in the song really brought the performance to a climax - he brought it home without overdoing it (take note, Syesha). That is his special gift that no one else in the competition has to the same degree. There are better voices and personalities, but if I am being honest, no one can sell a song like Archu-D2. 8 out of 10 for me, though.
KRISTY LEE - I knew that the Shania shadow would follow Kristy right on into Dolly week, and I am not at all surprised that her look appeared to be very inspired by the “From This Moment On” video - hair up, flowy gown, bare feet - all that was missing was the bindi jewel on her forehead. Maybe she confused Bollywood with Dollywood? Anyway, the dress was GORGEOUS, and if I had the bod for it, I would steal it. And the performance, you know, well, it wasn’t too bad. Being Dolly week and all, it was definitely Kristy’s week to shine. And she kinda did. But then… she lost all self control and had to mouth off - talking back and giving Simon the big kiss-off after his comments. Stooooopid move, sista. I would have given your performance a 7 out of 10, but since you weren’t wise enough to leave the snarking to us bloggers, you will be penalized for your actions - 4 out of 10 for you, missy.
Sidenote for Ryan - your comment about the French pedicure really made me wonder - did you steal Kristy’s shoes?
SYESHA - While I admire you for wearing yellow on television when most can’t pull it off (the color suited you, by the way) - the glare of your backside on the piano gave you too much ‘back’ from that angle, babe. That fashion faux pas was soon overshadowed by the glaring white light above your head that made your hair look a little Gene Simmons-ish. But at least it got me to sorta pay attention, because I had mentally tuned out as soon as I became aware of the fact that you had chosen the predictable route and took “I’ll Always Love You” out of the more capable and original hands of Jason Castro. While technically your vocal was solid, the last half of your performance was like walking into a Kevin Costner movie - which elicited my typical response of walking out. I tuned back in when you hit The Note, but regretted that decision when I realized that it came off as more desperate than brilliant. That is all - oh, wait - 5 out of 10. For perfect mediocrity.
MICHAEL - Tie-dyed ascot and all, you are my potential new boyfriend. Next time don’t cover up the chestus when you choose to unbutton your shirt to the Simon level - we ladies would appreciate it, and it is time for you to free me from having to rely on my imagination - for real. That jacket made me sweat in places that I didn’t know contained sweat glands… don’t tell Mr. Jovi I said so. ;) The arrangement of the song was sexy and perfect; and the combination of the piano, guitar and gospel-tinged backing vocals in the chorus really helped elevate the soul factor of Michael’s performance - for the second week in a row, it was game on for Mr. Johns. Absolutely tasty, like the dessert portion of the show, if you will (is that why I feel guilty?) - 9 out of 10.
My very scientific (or is it psychic?) predictions for tonight’s bottom three, if it isn’t obvious:
Ramiele
Syesha
Kristy Lee
And in the closest margin this season, I believe Ramiele will be sent a-packin’. Am I on a crazy train full o’ hobos, or do you agree?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 7:21 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.
