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It appears that after last night’s elimination of Jason Castro, all is just how it should be in Idol Land. Thank goodness Teflon®-coated Syesha will live to sing another day (I guess).  Well, when I say “all is well”, I mean - except for the fact that Michael Johns won’t be performing in the Top 3 while sporting a tight black t-shirt and leather pants… I do regret that I won’t be treated to an Aussie “gun show” come next week.  Other than that, things are fine and dandy.  And will continue to be so long as D-Cook continues to ride the wave.

I have to admit, after the season-long blubber-fest courtesy of nanny Brooke White, and then the tearful breakdown from Syesha this week - it was very refreshing to see a contestant head home that didn’t go all weepy and whiney on us.  Jason took it as well as any burner worth his salt (or “oregano”) should.  And even though his lost-lyric perfomance of Mr. Tambourine Man reminded me of this:

…he will live on in my heart as the guy whose most difficult challenge in life has been dealing with being dead brain… or is it brain dead?  Whatever.  We all have struggles.

Good luck to my personal favorite American Idol contestant named after a dictator, Jason Castro - as he heads off into the sunset to learn about Cuba, and have some food!

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Well, there are only four Idol hopefuls left, and let’s be honest - by now it is more than obvious that our final two should (and probably will be) Little David vs. Big David.  I don’t know how many of you even pay attention, but I haven’t posted an Idol-related blog in about three weeks.  The reason being - the joy has been sucked out of the show for me this year.  Maybe it’s because I am in the middle of big changes in my personal and work life (good ones!), but the show just isn’t holding my attention like it did in seasons past.  I blame the producers for constantly trying to fix what isn’t broken, terrible theme weeks and overhyping the poor contestants to no end.

My initial horse in the race, Michael Johns, went home way too early, so I am probably just a wee bit bitter.  That aside, I just don’t see a lot of luster and star quality flowing forth from the remaining four contestants - save for my new object of affection - a.k.a. Big David.  If he doesn’t win this thing, then I will eat that newly purchased set of Tupperware awaiting delivery to my mother this Sunday.  He has the most potential for commercial success, he’s kinda sexy in spite of that big ol’ skull, and he seems to be the one that tries the hardest, and usually succeeds in his Idol experiements… thereby offering up the biggest reward for the audience.  His first song choice (in theory) should have been really good lfor him ast night (it wasn’t), and the second, while a great choice for him (Baba O’Riley RULES, thank you) might have been amazing had he not been required to cut the song down to a minute and a half.  As far as the “unworthy” go:

Jason Castro - Come on, the guy isn’t even trying.  He’s yawning on stage, and picking “Bob” songs (Dylan and Marley) to show off his vocal “skillz”?  Seriously.  Dude is not edgy enough to carry the name of a dictator… just go home and blaze up, already.

Syesha Mercado - Meh.  I never expected this girl to make the top 10, but apparently America loves shrieky, oversung R & B classics.  Girlfriend is made of Teflon®, but that won’t be enough to get her to the final two.  She definitely gets my vote for Best Dressed, but would Simon give a banger about that?

and lastly…

David Archleta, The Boy Wonder - This is where the hate comments and mail come in *see Jovi duck*.  For me, The Boy Wonder is sort of a younger Clay Aiken with higher testosterone levels.  Meaning - I don’t imagine that he will have much success anywhere other than the AC charts.  By the way, AC ain’t just the initials on David Cook’s guitar - it also means Adult Contemporary for those of us who aren’t Billboard chart geeks, right TC?    However, I am willing to concede that for the first time in weeks David finally came on and belted out a really memorable vocal last night - his version of “Stand By Me” was goosebump inducing for me (the runs in the chorus were like buttah), and he stood out amongst the grand pile of crap and mediocrity of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week.  And, that includes my man David Cook - I luff him, but he is gonna have to BRING IT if he wants or expects to be the first rocker to take the pop idol title.

So, in a nutshell, that is where I am at.  Tonight, I really think anyone could go home, as wonky as this season has been thus far.  However, my money is riding on Jason Castro - I doubt The Powers That Be want him there anymore, and his fan base was likely too inebriated to vote.

What about you guys - is anyone here still watching the show, or have you all moved on to summer vacation without me?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 7:16 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Before I start my review, would like to publicly thank Teri Hatcher for:

a. Not singing again.

b. Not making out with Ryan in front of a photographic device.

c. For no longer making those annoying commercials with Howie Long.

Thank you, Teri.

Now, on with my emotional analysis of Mariah Carey night.  It actually wasn’t as bad as I had expected it to be - of course I hadn’t set the bar high in my mind, either.  Guess Mariah is a better songwriter than I had given her credit for, and she didn’t disappoint by proving that she lives up to the diva stereotype she has been pegged with for years.  I mean, she actually brought her dog to meet with the Idols.  Which begs the question: who would have thought that a dog could even live within earshot of her five octave vocal range?  Poor JJ must be deaf.

Quickie question - was Mariah sucking on some sort of voice enhancing cough drop, or does she always talk like that?  Curiouser and curiouser…

Anyway… the performances!

DAVID A. - Did my eyes deceive, or was our little teen dream sporting leather pants?  How edgy of him.  The Efron-esque coiffure was at maximum height, and that was about the only thing I can remember about this performance.  David is a vocal phenom, and I have conceded that he will likely win the crown this year - but for me, all of his performances are blending together in my mind - he is killing me softly with his songs.  All ballads, these days.  With He-Cook gaining steam of late, this would have been the week for Little Archie to really step it up and stand out, but I don’t think he did.  He seemed to lack confidence in his range, and although I think he was capable of hitting the upper and lower end of his register without effort, his voice became shallow, as if he was trying to stretch or fake it.  It was hard to tell whether he hit the intended mark, and I think that could hurt him, as this wasn’t really a fanbase rallying performance.

CARLY - While I still would not say she is dressing like a star, at least she was sensible enough to play down the tats, and play up the tatas.  If she sticks around another week, hopfully her hair will get the full McPhee treatment for next week’s performance, because so far, it just seems like she isn’t really trying.  I was excited about this song choice for Carly, but was a little disappointed that she didn’t cut loose on this song.  The arrangement seemed like it held her back too long, and then it was chorus overkill.  Carly’s perfect pop rock voice has wowed me from the get-go, but I am disappointed that she doesn’t seem comfortable raising the bar… maybe it’s because she is too accustomed to singing in one.

SYESHA - Bold choice of song, and the sparkly makeup and hair and shiny dress were very tasteful and lovely.  She could teach Carly a thing or two about on stage style.  However, while Carly seems under-confident, I think Syesha sees herself as a bigger talent than she actually is.  Pretty good pitch, but she doesn’t have the strength in her voice to support the runs - one towards the end reminded me of an engine that won’t turn over on a cold winter morning.  And, I kind of have to agree with Simon that choosing a lesser known song is not in her best interest right now in many ways - but in fairness, she would obviously not be able to avoid comparisons on a more familiar Mariah song.  In the words of Chet Donnelly:  “You’re stewed, buttwad!”

BROOKE - I think Brooke looked her best last night.  I never imagined the resident sunshine girl in a sequined black frock, but she looked fabu in it.  It kind of de-prissed her, which was a welcome vibe for me for her.  While “Hero” is by far one of my least favorite Mariah songs, I will credit Brooke for delievering a sincere interpretation, and she did okay given the fact that she is pretty much the anti-Mariah.  She might have got away with it, too - if it weren’t for those pesky words that got away from her at the end the song.  She seemed to be having a mini-stroke with all the quivering and rushed breathing (maybe it was the arrangement?), and I think she is now perched on the bubble.  Simon summed it up well in his fast food analogy… comparisons kill and indifference maims. 

KRISTY - Did she and Syesha share a dress last night?  No matter, she looked lovely - but the smoove hair ’stentions made me wonder if she was trying too hard to look “Mariah-ish”.  A few weeks ago, this would have been pretty darn good - typcial Kristy Lee pitch problems and all.  This week - not so much.  I suspect KLC will again have her “Kristy’s Seat” note in hand come results time tonight.

*I found the Ramiele Malubay sighting amusing, if only for the fact that Ryan proved how incapable he is of dressing himself.*

SKULLY - D-Cook hit the stage looking much healthier this week, and I was glad to see it.  As for the performance, well… in a word, brilliant.  I hereby take back all my snotty remarks from the beginning of the season; because Skully, you complete me, and have earned my undying love and devotion.  For the first time since Bo Bice was on the show, one contestant got ALL my votes of the night prior to the finale.  David knows who he is, but more important than that, he has an unmatched gift (at least on this show) for conveying that to the audience.  Now that Dave is showing his tender soul, I’m so lovin’ it.

JASON - I was admittedly a little concerned to see the Bedreaded Dictator perched atop that stool sans gee-tar - but all in all, I think he delivered the goods we have come to expect.  Very solid vocal, but certainly not a performance that will stand out for me - the fact that he followed Skully doesn’t help there.  I kind of got what Randy said about the “weird, beach luau” - but since when is a luau a bad thing?  Pass the poi, and try not to smoke my lei, mister Castro!  A screensaver with moonlit ocean waves and glowing tiki torches would have set the mood pefrectly, and Simon’s man-boobs could certainly benefit from the support and separation of a nice coconut bra.  The hairy coconut skin would even blend well with his nature sweater…

Disclaimer:  The paragraph above was read at your own risk - I cannot be held responsible for any mental trauma that occurs as a result of that imagery.

So, after last week’s shock and awww, I can’t even begin to predict how it will go down on tonight’s Results show.  American Idol voters have obviously become tone deaf, obsessed with image over talent, or too dang lazy to vote for the good performers - so I’ve pretty much stopped pretending to care.

If it were my call to make, the bottom three would be Brooke (for being a one-trick pony), Kristy Lee (for riding imaginary ponies while she sings and for just not being that good, Will Hunting) and Syesha (for acting like she would rather be anywhere but onstage when she isn’t singing).  Carly could find herself in the B3, but I am guessing that she picked up a few of Michael Johns’ votes this week.

Going home - it will definitely be a chick.  The optimist in me thinks it will probably a chick named Syesha.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

It is Tuesday, so I thought it was time for me to end my period of mourning brought about by the early departure of Michael Johns, also known as my Sweet Saucy Aussie.  American Idol voters - you know I love you, but I think you have gone and lost yo’ dang mind.  Now that I have said my peace, let’s look ahead to tonight’s show/potential train wreck.

Word on the street has it that Mariah Carey is this week’s Idol mentor.  Given the abundance of criticism towards Syesha Mercado and her Whitney-wannabe-ish performances, is it really such a good idea for the Idols to be forced to perform Mariah Frakkin’ Carey songs?  I am not exactly a fan of ”Mimi” - most of her stuff in the last ten years has consisted of collaborations with the likes of “artists” I just don’t get (O.D.B., anyone?)  However, I am willing to admit that she does have an incredible talent, even if it is diminished by her lack of clothing and a pretentious personality. 

I think I am familiar enough with Mariah’s music to know that the girls probably don’t stand a chance of impressing the judges tonight.  Season after season, we hear pretty harsh criticism towards any attempt to perform songs originally done (or done well) by vocal heavyweights like Mariah, Celine and Whitney - so this particular theme strikes me as hypocritical.  But, Ms. Carey has a CD out this week, and I am sure her record company has promotional dollars to spend - so, we lucky Idol fans get Mariah week on American Idol.  Forgive me if I don’t jump out of my Mimi-approved daisy dukes and stiletto pumps. 

While I know the remaining seven contestants have already selected their tunes for Mariah week well in advance of this posting, I thought I would go ahead and post what I would like to hear them sing, in a perfect Idol world…. which it isn’t, obviously.  My dearly departed Michael Johns won’t be around to sing the socks off of “Bringin’ On the Heartbreak”, so boo I say. 

As for the chosen seven, I would love to hear it go down like this tonight:

BROOKE - We gotta face facts… if Brooke attempts to shake what her mamma gave her, she’s dead meat.  So, I would suggest that she take a ballad and Norah Jones-ify it.  Maybe “Vision of Love” or “I Still Believe” - though, pretty much any Mariah song is out of her wheelhouse, so I gotta wish her luck.

CARLY - Carly needs to get that trademark Irish scowl off of her perfectly pancaked puss, and pronto.  Her voice is probably the best qualified to sing poppish hits like “Fantasy” or “Dreamlover”, which would be fun to watch her attempt.  But, the rock chick in Carly is a little like a weed that won’t let the pop voice thrive, so I would bet my euros that she once again goes for the dramatic, angsty ballad, hoping that America will forgive her if she sings loud enough.

DAVID ARCHIE - “Anytime You Need a Friend” or “I’ll Be There” - just ’cause… you know he will.

DAVID COOK - For me, Skully has proven that he can sing just about anything (have you heard him during the group numbers?)…  Last week was a rough one vocally, so I would like to see him belt out a big, soaring melody with a little grunge around the edges - maybe “One Sweet Day” or “Without You”.

CASTRO - As long as Jason remains charming and comically aloof, he will be in like flynn for another week.  “We Belong Together” has a mellow, cool groove that might be interesting - but I would delight at the sound of a breathy male vocal on a gorgeous melody like “Love Takes Time”.

KRISTY LEE - “Always Be My Baby” or “Against All Odds” seem like obvious choices, because I doubt she has ever heard any other Mariah songs.  And, she already did a Journey song this season.

SYESHA - “Through the Rain” would be a good choice for me for her - the vocal is kind of whispery, and the quieter her voice, the less annoying she is to me.  Except when she is holding signs up to the camera.  Ugh, Broadway is calling.  Be gone already, SyNOsha.

Speaking of - does anyone have the odds on the likelihood of Syesha breaking out the ol’ whistle register again?  Mercy.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 at 6:00 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Well, it’s that time again on American Idol where we self-appointed talent critics get to put our snarky hats on the rack and connect with our generous and emotional sides… yes, I have one.  Don’t let our resident Finders Keepers addict Leigh tell you any different. 

I am actually really excited for the shows this week.  I thought last year’s Idol Gives Back show was well done, and I actually found it much more entertaining than the much-hyped finale.  This season’s should be just as good, as the stars scheduled to appear (and I am fairly certain they did, as the show was taped Sunday night) include: Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Robin Williams, Eli and Peyton Manning, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Reese Witherspoon — and, my personal American Idols — Ann and Nancy Wilson from Heart.  Unfotunately for me, Fergie is performing with them, and apparently does some gymnastic-ish moves during the performance?  Guess if you can’t sing like Ann Wilson, it takes a little creative performing to get you noticed.  Might be worth trying, especially if your name is Kristy Lee Cook… just sayin’.

Anyway, to get us back on track and in the charitable frame of mind, here is a clip of my favorite performance from the IGB shindig last year - Josh Groban singing “You Raise Me Up” with the African Children’s Choir:

 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 at 4:12 pm and is filed under Videos, Television, American Idol.

Wow, today seems to be a sad Idol news day. I just read this:

Claudette Yamin, mother of singer Elliott, dies at 65

The story reports that Elliott Yamin’s sweet, adorable, supportive little momma passed away on Monday, presumably from complications from hip surgery. God rest her soul, and our condolances to Elliott and his family. Claudette Yamin was one of the most likeable Idol contestant family members that I can remember, and it’s a shame to hear she is no longer with us. 

A reason to take heart - at least our favorite Cook seems to be okay after last night’s hospital visit. And, we get to look forward to another week of the inferior Cook… and her “seat”.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 11:01 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

It must have been April Fools’ Day yesterday, because I feel like I slipped into a wormhole while watching the show last night.  The evidence is clear.  Did anyone else notice…

… that Paula actually didn’t appear donning sparkly western wear in honor of Dolly week?

… that the He-Cook really (FINALLY!) redesigned those combover emo bangs?  Jovi likey.

… that Carly’s ink-faced husband actually got some (dimly lit) camera time?

It’s like I was in an alternate Idol universe.  Cray-zee fun, ya’ll.  So, this is how the performances ranked for me for them:

BROOKE - First, the look - she pulled out the big Dolly stops (well, most of them) - a fluffy and curly hairdo and false eyelashes - but when she stood up post-performance she really looked, well… hungry.  Aren’t they feeding the kids this year?  Dolly can pull off the big ‘dos and stuff, ‘cuz she has the ample booh-bahs to balance it out.  Wee Brooke, not so much.  She must have suffered a migraine headache from all that hair and make-up.  As for the performance - I liked that she brought in the Kat McPhee approved box instrument thingy to keep the beat, but other than that it really fell flatter than her un-Dolly-esque physique for me.  I found the uncomfortable bedroom eyes and smiling rather… beguiling.  Like she was trying to fake that highly debated and discussed ”emotional connection” that seems to be the lacking performance element du jour for Season 7.  Plus, she sang as if she were chewing imaginary gum, and the complimenting of Paula’s hair was undeniably desperate.  I’ve said it more than once this season… when the judges are commenting, just SHUT IT.  On a scale of 1-10, I would give this performance a 6.

DAVID “SKULLY” COOK - Bye bye, bangs - and THANK YOU, Idol stylists for this gift from above.  Much better.  I noticed that David didn’t seem to be himself last night - his typical passion and energy were definitely not up to their normal level, but I still thought his performance was worthy of a “Woo-hoo!” - or several.  ”Little Sparrow” is a song I just adore, and he sang the feathers out of it.  The song has been running through my head all day, and his raspy falsetto left me all a-tingle.  I would have never seen myself as a fan of this guy four weeks ago, but this Cook is a palate-pleaser.  9.5 out of 10.

RAMIELE - Are all of the Idol stylists on vacation this year, or what?  Ramiele was back to her Danny Noriega-ish haristyle, and wore pretty much the same outfit that she was sporting last week.  I feel like I am watching reruns of Jasmine Trias when Ramiele performs, only she sounds more in tune.  At least, I think she is in tune, from what I can tell during the parts when I can hear her whispering over the back-up singers.  Sorry Rami fans, Donny Hathaway’s daughter and the other two back-ups out sing Ramiele every week.  And, I just can’t buy into this cheeky personality she seems to have developed - it reeks of a Danny Dictator sass-class.  Like Randy, I wasn’t mad at you either - but I also couldn’t wait until you left the stage.  At least if I was mad I would want to keep you around long enough to tell you why.  Six and a half is generous - I will give this one a 4 out of 10.

JASON - Again, unfortunately no evidence of a stylist intervention here - but I was glad to see that Jason received my postcards.    I have heard rumblings that some people were offended that Dolly referred to Jason as “kinda funky lookin’”, but if you know and get Dolly - you would understand that it was a compliment.  I mean, she touched his dreads.  Ew.  If that ain’t open-minded, I don’t what is.  As far as the performance, I looooooved it.  His voice is so radio-ready, the arrangement was perfectly-paced, and I think he actually sang it to win it for the first time in a few weeks.  Not too mushy, not too cheesy, and not too country - it was just right.  8.5 out of 10.

CARLY - While I agree with Simon that Carly’s fashion sense doesn’t seem to evolve at all, I couldn’t undertand why she was the only one targeted for it.  Ramiele, Jason and the Archu-bot are all guilty of the same crime.  One little suggestion from your very unfashionable friend Jovi - hide the ink, sister.  Middle America will not be getting on board with tattoo sleeves anytime before the end of May, so if you really wanna win as much as you act like you do - simply tone it down and dress it up.  The performance was one of Carly’s very best - that voice is chill inducing - not like stomach upset, but in a good way.  I loved the slowed down arrangement, and her confidence was stronger than it’s been in a while.  I feel like the judges are just beating her up every week to see if she will react.  Maybe if she would stop talking during the critique, they would judge her more positively.  9 out of 10.

DAVID ARCHIE - Nothing to say about the way the Archu-bot looked - he seems to be in a style rut of forgettable casual jackets and t-shirts, but I guess the judges have no beef with that.  I finally figured out this week who David A. sounds like!  It has been driving me crazy, but I finally realized that he is a vocal clone of one hit wonder Glenn Medeiros, singer of the schmaltzy 80’s ballad “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You”.  Yeah, I am that old - back off.  While I thought David’s voice seemed a little whispery and strained in spots, his emotion during the vocal runs late in the song really brought the performance to a climax - he brought it home without overdoing it (take note, Syesha).  That is his special gift that no one else in the competition has to the same degree.  There are better voices and personalities, but if I am being honest, no one can sell a song like Archu-D2.  8 out of 10 for me, though.

KRISTY LEE - I knew that the Shania shadow would follow Kristy right on into Dolly week, and I am not at all surprised that her look appeared to be very inspired by the “From This Moment On” video - hair up, flowy gown, bare feet - all that was missing was the bindi jewel on her forehead.  Maybe she confused Bollywood with Dollywood?  Anyway, the dress was GORGEOUS, and if I had the bod for it, I would steal it.  And the performance, you know, well, it wasn’t too bad.  Being Dolly week and all, it was definitely Kristy’s week to shine.  And she kinda did.  But then… she lost all self control and had to mouth off - talking back and giving Simon the big kiss-off after his comments.  Stooooopid move, sista.  I would have given your performance a 7 out of 10, but since you weren’t wise enough to leave the snarking to us bloggers, you will be penalized for your actions - 4 out of 10 for you, missy.

Sidenote for Ryan - your comment about the French pedicure really made me wonder - did you steal Kristy’s shoes?

SYESHA - While I admire you for wearing yellow on television when most can’t pull it off (the color suited you, by the way) - the glare of your backside on the piano gave you too much ‘back’ from that angle, babe.  That fashion faux pas was soon overshadowed by the glaring white light above your head that made your hair look a little Gene Simmons-ish.  But at least it got me to sorta pay attention, because I had mentally tuned out as soon as I became aware of the fact that you had chosen the predictable route and took “I’ll Always Love You” out of the more capable and original hands of Jason Castro.  While technically your vocal was solid, the last half of your performance was like walking into a Kevin Costner movie - which elicited my typical response of walking out.  I tuned back in when you hit The Note, but regretted that decision when I realized that it came off as more desperate than brilliant.  That is all - oh, wait - 5 out of 10.  For perfect mediocrity.

MICHAEL - Tie-dyed ascot and all, you are my potential new boyfriend.  Next time don’t cover up the chestus when you choose to unbutton your shirt to the Simon level - we ladies would appreciate it, and it is time for you to free me from having to rely on my imagination - for real.  That jacket made me sweat in places that I didn’t know contained sweat glands… don’t tell Mr. Jovi I said so.  ;)  The arrangement of the song was sexy and perfect; and the combination of the piano, guitar and gospel-tinged backing vocals in the chorus really helped elevate the soul factor of Michael’s performance - for the second week in a row, it was game on for Mr. Johns.  Absolutely tasty, like the dessert portion of the show, if you will (is that why I feel guilty?) - 9 out of 10.

My very scientific (or is it psychic?) predictions for tonight’s bottom three, if it isn’t obvious:

Ramiele
Syesha
Kristy Lee

And in the closest margin this season, I believe Ramiele will be sent a-packin’.  Am I on a crazy train full o’ hobos, or do you agree?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 7:21 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

TMZ leaves no stone unturned whist digging up dirt, so it should be no surprise that they are breaking this story:

“American Idol” Contestant Hospitalized, Released

The gist of the story is that American Idol frontrunner (at least in my mind) David Cook was driven to the hospital after last night’s performance show to treat a case of heart palpitations and dangerously high blood pressure.  He was released, and his condition will be monitored today.

He is apparently dealing with a stressful family situation, and has taken a lot of heat in Idol gossip circles this week for his “original” arrangements of previous songs performed.  This is where the Idol judges get contestants into trouble - offereing praise for being original, when in actuality the arrangement was chosen by doing some research and then “borrowed”.  This happens in the music industry all the time - and, in fairness, the Idols are not given the opportunity to explain every arrangement/song they select.

In the beginning, David “Skully” Cook bored the crap outta me - but he has won me over with his rich rock voice and for making the effort to choose interesting songs and arrangements - and I would love nothing more than to see him in the finale.  Here’s hoping that he is able to get this recent health issue under control and hang in there, because in my opinion, the show’s entertainment factor will plummet without him. 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 12:54 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Well honk my hooter, it’s Dolly Parton week on American Idol!  (Forgive me, just could not resist the breast-ference!)

I am a Dolly fan through and through, and I think she will make a fine mentor for the Idol-ettes.  At the very least, I think we can expect that country music’s most talented backwoods Barbie doll will certainly have some good advice to offer as far as the performance of a song, and I hope the kids listen - especially you, Ramiele.  This batch is about due for a ‘de-karaokization’.

While I am not convinced that any one of this year’s crop o’ Idols has the “lungs” to do a Dolly song justice - (Chikezie might have had another bluegrass moment of brilliance this week, but alas, we shall never know) - I remain optimistic, because if the Iron Butterfly can’t pull a miracle out of her platinum wig, who can?

Ya’ll know me… I am all about helpin’ a brutha (or sista) Idol out, so here are my suggestions as to what each of the Idols should be sangin’ for Dolly week:

BROOKE - Barbielicious Brooke should avoid “9 to 5″ at all costs, lest she be tempted to dance.  Yee-ikes.  She should stick to the musical colors she shows best, and try a little “Starting Over Again”, as the melody is lovely, and it’s no secret that The Nanny shines on a lovely melody (”Let It Be”, anyone?)  “I Really Got The Feeling” is another song right in the Brooke wheelhouse - but my spidey senses tell me to expect (and fear) a very virginal version of “Love Is Like A Butterfly” - Brooke dressed in white eyelet material and lace, accesorized by a butterfly net, daisys, pussy willows, golden stage lights, a misty pond and live butterflies emerging from their cocoons on stage.  Spring hath sprung, after all.

CARLY - Carly has lost a little of that edgy luster she showcased during Beatles week Number One (i.e. the Beatles week that didn’t have The Suck).  I say she should fight for a song that contains a little edge lyrically, as we seem to be needing to see some genuine emotion from her.  It would help if Carly would return the Krayzee Eyez back to their rightful owner - Kristy Lee Cook.  My favorite Dolly song of all time is probably “Jolene”, and I think Carly has the range to make the song contemporary and do it justice.  (I would love to hear the He-Cook’s version of this song, but given the lyrics, it really wouldn’t make sense, would it?)  If another less-capable Idol chickie should dig her claws into “Jolene” first, then I think Carly could do quite well with “Little Sparrow”.  Besides, she seems to be on board with singing about birds (refer to Beatles’ week Numero Dos).

KRISTY LEE - Since KLC is really the only one who can be ‘country to d’ extreme’ and not come off like a total yokel, she should just go for it.  For the most part, it ain’t for me - but it is more than obvious that there is a huge country music following out there.  If Kristy sets her sights on pleasing that base, she just might pull a Phil Stacey.  Kristy Lee could probably get away with any Dolly song - she seems to be the only Idol resistant to going home when she ”dons the cheese”.  For that reason, may I suggest some mid to late-80’s piece like “Think About Love” or “Why’d You Come in Here Lookin’ Like That?”  I also believe that any song from the movie “Rhinestone“ is a likely She-Cook target.  Freddie, there are two kinds of people in this world, and you ain’t one of ‘em!

RAMIELE - Lullaby, you bore me to the brink of tears and I just don’t care.  But, in the interest of fairness, here ya go - if you are gonna go uptempo (which I think you should… wait, do I?  Yeah, I guess that is what I think), I will offer up “Potential New Boyfriend”, in tribute to my Season 7 obsession du jour, Michael Johns.  “9 to 5″ might be the choice decision, though - eveyone knows the lyrics, and that trademark dreadful diction you posess will become much less obvious with a safe and familiar song.  You’re welcome, Ramiele.

SYESHA - When I think about it, the performance I enjoyed most from Syesha had to be “Tobacco Road” - that is why I am suggesting “Romeo” for Dolly week, as it is sassy as hell and doesn’t require diva-tude-ness to get the personality accross.  If she can mimic an infant’s cry, certainly she can purr.  Audience involvement is key if she has any hope to stay in this horse race, so I would also consider a sing-along type tune like “Two Doors Down”.  Who here wouldn’t bet their Tennessee mansion that Syesha was in a backstage catfight for the right to sing “I’ll Always Love You”?  Lucky for us, she already grabbed the money song “Yesterday” during Beatles week, so if there is any fairness doctrine in place within Idol land, we won’t have to worry about being Whitney-slapped.

DAVID A. - The little Archu-bot will likely sing whatever will please papa most - lucky for David, Dolly sings about poverty a LOT… so there should be quite a few songs to choose from that will fit within his agenda to change the world.  After last week’s mini-Youth for Christ jamboree performance, I figure David will slow it down again.  His husky voice would sound nice on dreamy melodies like “But You Know I Love You” or “Heartbreaker”.

DAVID COOK - Okay He-Cook… you have finally won me over… Easter Eggy, Donald Trumpish hair and all.  By the way, you really do have a huge skull, man… and good on you for using it.  Cunning, you are.  So, what should my man Skully sing this week?  I say it is time to get vulnerable, and by that, I mean acoustic.  “I’m Gone” might be a good ‘un for you for me, or perhaps you should romance me a little with “You’re The Only One” if you wanna melt my jaded heart and persuade me to dump Michael Johns and fall skull over tootsies in love with you. 

JASON - Jason, you deserve to be in this thang, baby - but it’s time for you to start acting like you care a little.  You are skating on some ice thinner than the skin on Dolly’s reconstructed face these days.  Hopefully Jason will be smart enough to duke it out for a Dolly juggernaut like “I’ll Always Love You”, as he is really the only one with the right stuff to make this very classic and familiar song poignant.  And if he does any arrangement other than the original, he’s either a fool or is as blotto as he appears.  If the Idols are allowed to dip into a song Dolly covered, then I would also suggest “Shine”, Collective Soul style.

MICHAEL - Michael (like his competition for my affection, Skully) would be wise to showcase a vulnerable, hopelessly romantic sweet side this week.  Maybe he should play the Bo Bice card and do something a cappella… “Rockin’ Years” would be lovely… That being said, one should never attempt a song sans instruments unless they know the melody backwards, forwards and sideways.  I would love to see Michael playing acoustic guitar during a performance, but as far as I can remember, we haven’t seen any evidence that he CAN - so does this guy really not play anything?  Maybe he could fake us out with a little air-guitar on a tennis racket?  Okay, I am off track… sorry.  If Mikey goes uptempo again, he should sing “Shinola” or “Train, Train”.

So - who is supplying the moonshine for tomorrow night’s shindig? 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 at 12:13 am and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Don’t know who these guys are?  Well, don’t feel bad, most people don’t, as their claim to fame is winning a reality talent show that nobody watched.

That show was The Next Great American Band, which aired last summer on the FOX Network.  I watched this show the whole way through, in spite of the fact that most of the bands in the competition stank on ice!  My boyfriend Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls was a judge, after all.  *sigh*  The Clark Brothers were definitely a shining exception, and I predicted they would win from the get-go.  And they did! 

The point of all this?  Well, according to a FOX press release, they will be performing on American Idol next week.  While I am not a huge fan of bluegrass and country music, I loooove Dolly, and The Clark Brothers can really PLAY.  Plus, they are pretty.    Check the evidence below:

A side note:  I noticed Clark brother Austin playing dobro during Chikezie’s performance last week - so he must have a “day job” with Rickey Minor’s band.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 28th, 2008 at 7:21 pm and is filed under Videos, Television, American Idol.