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Hey Idol-izers!

I didn’t get time to write up my recap of this week’s Result’s show this afternoon, so I hope you will check this space over the weekend to read my Idol (or is it Idle?) babble.

Until then, here is a video of my favorite Season 7 rejected contestant - James Lewis.  The Idol fan community is all abuzz about how all the women my age want to adopt David Archuleta.  I adore David, but if I had my ‘druthers, I would take James home to be my honey bun, sugar plum, pumbie-umbie-umpkin.  What great times we would share, discussing politics and Paul Robeson after dinner… then I would tuck him into bed, and hum Pearl Jam songs as he fell asleep.

Speaking of sleep, I think I need some.  Here’s a giggle for ya. 

 

This entry was posted on Friday, February 22nd, 2008 at 11:48 pm and is filed under Videos, Television, American Idol.

Hmm ain’t no universe I ever heard of.  They speak English in Hmm?

Ah, good times last night - GOOD TIMES.  I was very entertained by the dizzy banter from the judges - particularly from Simon, and his tales of “washing up liquid” and his own private Idaho… his universe, which goes by the name “Hmm?”  And Pauler’s cavewoman hairdo was almost more comical than my splitting sides could bear!  Comedic brilliance!

Unfortunately, the girls’ performances were not as entertaining as the segments in between.  Blame it on the flu, I guess - but my theory is that the Top 24 contestants really aren’t as good as they have been hyped to be.  I can’t believe that The ‘Crest would lie to me like this, especially after all we have been through.

Okay, on with the summary - Jovi style - of Top 12 Ladies Night:

KRISTY LEE COOK - Kristy seems to be in good with the stylists, because she looked as fetching as a girl with the flu can look - other than the poor choice of top that lacked a discreet placement for her mic pack.  This critical error made KLC appear to have a third boob on her back.  Her hair and makeup were very nice, though.  As far as performance goes… anyone that knows me knows that I am a consumer of all things Mutt Lange - therefore, I have seen a performance or two from his country superstar wife, Shania Twain.  Head on over to YouTube and search for any concert performances by Shania, and it becomes pretty apparent where Kristy has been training for the Idol competition.  It’s uncanny - it’s like she’s a Stepford Shania.  Her song choice was so not right for her, and the vocals were lackluster.  She will certainly stick around based on her looks alone, but she’d better improve when it comes to choosing her songs, if she hopes to make it into the Top 12.  She just seems to have no idea who she is.

JOANNE BORGELLA - Hey, did you know that Joanne is plus-sized?  And a model?  Tell me something new about this girl, she is putting me to sleep!  Until she starts to sing, that is… then the shrillness of her voices perks me right up - not so much in the manner of a strong espresso… more like an Encyclopedia Brittanica smashing me in the face while taking an ice cold shower and chewing on tin foil.  The judges commented on her nerves - I didn’t get that.  She seemed very confident to me.  She was obviously the lesser of the two evils when paired with Cardin McKinney, but I can’t believe this is who we get while my homegirl Angela Martin was cut in Hollywood week.  Any contestant that shares the same name as any character on The Office should be a shoo-in, if you ask me.

ALAINA WHITAKER - While I can admit that that Alaina is very pretty, bubbly, and a decent singer, I honestly couldn’t care less about her.  I don’t think I have been this indifferent about any Idol contestant since Sarah Mather in Season 4.  The only thing I find memorable about her is the obvious Carrie Underwood resemblance.  The arrangement of her chosen song dragged for me, and her vocal runs just sounded plain awkward.  Top that off with birthday vote begging, and you’ve lost me.

AMANDA OVERMYER - Amanda has sworn off Janis!  Grande bonus points for that, babe.  While I don’t think Amanda is an over-the-top talented or remotely current rock singer, her attitude and stage presence is really fun to have in the Idol mix.  Plus, I can’t wait to see what happens when the stylists really take over and makeover that Halloween hair.  I am seeing some Amy Winehouse tendencies in her coif, which is never a good thing.  Her song choice was safe (at least it wasn’t Janis!), and I could not understand half of what she was singing (”Baby peas don’t go”?)…  However, she was pitch perfect, and I giggled at how she magnified Seacrest’s lack of coolness.  Fine family biker bar fun!

AMY DAVIS - Oh, Amy.  It’s so over.  That was the most uncomfortable moment I have seen on reality television in a while - and I have taken in episodes of “The Moment of Truth”, so that’s sayin’ something.  I don’t know what “scooping” up to a note means, but kids - I don’t recommend it.  Amy didn’t hit more than 10 notes in that performance, and I think she knew it.  As the song ended and the camera (unfortunately for her) zoomed in on her face, there was the most uncomfortable upper lip twitch as she held her last tuneless note.  I sensed great drama, crying and excuses around the corner, but I gotta hand it to her… she kept it together as the judges gave her the soft landing reality check about how much she stank on ice.

BROOKE WHITE - Brooke is like the twentysomething Hannah Montana just back from Lilith Fair, isn’t she?  She looks good, and her voice has potential to do be memorable… but her super-pure, shiny, happy personality just comes off as goofy and plain, and keeps her from crossing that memorable line.  It’s as if she marinates her entire body in yellow washing up liquid nightly before bed.  Lemony fresh!  And, at all costs, she should not dance while “getting her song slaying on”.  Girlfriend needs to start performing in front of a mirror, or get her keyboard back pronto, jack.

ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON - I didn’t know what to expect from Alexandrea, as she’s has had very little exposure up to this point.  She was a much better performer than I expected, but I think she lost some of her focus on the vocals by going with so much ac-tion! in her performance.  The execution failed in some ways, but overall it was a plucky first showing - though I am not ready to join the Randy and Paula Extreme Praise Club and call her RELEVANT just yet.  I do hope to see more of the Denise Huxtable-meets-Debbie Gibson-meets-80’sdrag queen fashion ensembles, though. 

KADY MALLOY - While Kady didn’t exactly shine last night, I think she has the most bankable voice of the three Carrie Lites.  Her song choice stood out from the others - it was probably the least dated as far as melody goes.  I loved that she wore a dress - she was one of the few girls that actually didn’t look older than she is.  It is odd that once she begins to sing, the “lights just go out”.  There is no sparkle in her eyes, no visible passion being expressed as she performs, which doesn’t add up considering she consideres herself someone that is “obsessed” with music.  She seems like the type of girl who spends so much time stepping into the personalities of others, that she has not yet found one of her own.  Do they sell personality upgrades on Melrose?

ASIA’H EPPERSON - I am really bewildered that someone who reminds me so much of Rosie Perez can be so darned likeable.  Well, she was until she stepped all over my No Janis protests.  I had to dock points for that.  Lucky for her, she didn’t sound like Janis, and did a pretty decent job of making the song her own.  She’s fun, shows great spirit without attitude or overinflated sense of self.  She truly seems to be in the moment of the experience, so I say good for her, even if she isn’t my favorite singer.  She should watch her enunciation, though.  She tends to add h’s where they don’t belong, forcing them out with too much (h)air - or completely leaves them out like she did last night… “Take another little piece of my art, now baby…”

RAMIELE MALUBAY - Watch this horse, folks.  She is focused, and appears to be on a mission, much like her perky cohort Asia’h.  Her song choice was bo-ring, but her voice is really pleasant, and much more controlled and polished than most of the girls.  If she hooks up with a great song soon, Ramiele just might be the one to beat.  And if she finds herself in another pair of kickin’ shoes, Ryan just might steal them.

SYESHA MERCADO - I wanted to reach out to Syesha and tighten that scarf coiled around her skinny neck as she perched herself on the red couch, on her knees, talking to the camera rather than Ryan.  That was a wee bit highfalutin’ and screamed pretentiousness to me.  Then she came out and performed quite well, and picked the best song of the entire awful 60’s bunch.  “Tobacco Road” isn’t easy to pull off without sounding like a goober - but she did it.  Good on Syesha for trying hard… but for cripes sakes, she should quit trying SO hard.  Her personality reminds me of an unruly child in need of Ritalin.  Did anyone notice the camera shot of “Syesha’s friend” in the audience?  I was like “What”?!  Maybe we will get a glimpse of Colton’s mailman next week!

CARLY SMITHSON - So our much-favored tattoo shop owner without any love from her imploded label was given the end of show sweet spot to perform.  It’s so weird how these totally random decisions turn out.  I guess when you are a human Paula-ism - the “lucky coin in pocket” - good things just come your way.  Carly is a knockout girl, but unfortunately she dressed like anyone I might see hanging at the local pub on Friday night.  I expected her style on stage to be a little more interesting, so that was a bit of a letdown.  As soon as she started singing that crappy old song choice, I figured that she must be one of the sickies.  Her vocals were not as effortless as they have been in prior performances.  She did well considering, and worked out the big notes where she had to. 

Tonight is the 15th minute of fame is ticking away for 4 of the MOST TALENTED TOP 24 IN IDOL HISTORY!!, and here is how I predict it will go down tonight…

Bottom 3 girls:
Joanne
Amy
Kady

Bottom 3 guys:
Chikezie
Luke
Garrett

Say sayonara to…
Amy, Chikezie, Joanne and Garrett

Do you agree, or have I just jumped aboard the Simey Express to CrazyTown?

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 21st, 2008 at 7:06 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Tonight it’s the girls turn to wow us with the oh-so-current vocal stylings of the 1960’s.  I am just giddy with anticipation, as yet again I will get to digest a big ol’ helping of Janis Joplin karaoke.  Amanda Overmyer’s safety is in the bag this week - but of course I would never suggest or imply that the Idol producers had this in mind whilst considering this week’s theme.  The 60’s are a natural fit for 24 singers born post 1979.  If they can’t contemporize Three Dog Night, baby - then they just ain’t right for this competition, yo. 

*Sarcasm filter off*  Grr. 

Here is what I think the girls should sing, if we lived in a perfect world that was free from the Nigel Lythgoe brand of Idol Totalitarianism: 

Joanne Borgella - Joanne has the potential to have a very pretty falsetto, so she could do well with some Bee Gees, or even a little Jackson 5.

Kristy Lee Cook - Kristy will probably veer towards the safe side of the road at all times - and will stick to singing your typical Carrie Underwood, Faith Hill, Dixie Chick predictable country fare - if she ever decides to stop singing “Amazing Grace”.  How I would love to be surprised by young Kristy - maybe a little “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper?

Amy Davis - The only thing I can imagine this chick singing is “Don’tcha” by The Pussycat Dolls, accompanied by a pole dance.

Asia’h Epperson - She sounds like a girl that could sing anything - melodic rock, even.  So for fun, let’s stick with artists she can relate to… those named after a geographical location.  Europe.  Boston.  Kansas.  And of course - Asia!

Alexandrea Lushington - What I have seen of her so far suggests a militant vibe - probably the army green jacket.  I suggest “Toy Soldiers” by Martika or “Fighter” by Christina Auguilera.

Kady Malloy - I say Kady should separate herself from the predictable blond and country pack early.  Maybe some Heart or Pat Benatar.  She should go no further up the country meter than Jewel or Sheryl Crow, if she wants to stand out.  Pop music is the answer.

Ramiele Malubay - She reminds me of Tia Carrere, but vocally I think she is worthy of a song more soulful than “Ballroom Blitz”.  I predict she will be the first to try on a Kelly Clarkson song, when and if the Idol Theme Week Gestapo allows it.

Syesha Mercado - I dunno.  “Shout” by Tears For Fears.  That is what she does when she sings, ya’ll.  Or “Mediate” by INXS, as she apparently likes to communicate with signs.

Amanda Overmyer - I would love to hear Amanda sing anything by Pink, or maybe some Baba O’Riley by The Who.  But I beg and I plead… No.  More.  Janis.

Carly Smithson - I think Carly’s voice is perfect for an ABBA joint, yo.  And I still think “Whiskey In the Jar” would rock the hizzouse.

Alaina Whitaker - Meh, don’t really care.  Maybe she will change my mind tonight.  But I bet I could hold my breath until she-who-does-not-want-to-be-compared-to-Carrie-Underwood sings “Jesus Take the Wheel”, and survive.

Brooke White - I am not sure what Brooke’s niche will be - I am having a tough time putting a label on her.  (I really hate that.)  So, my song suggestions will be diverse - anything by Chantal Kreviazuk, Howard Jones or Dido.

On with the show - I hope we get a few surprises tonight - surprises are my favorite!   

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 at 8:35 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

American Idol sure loves to try and fix what ain’t broke, don’t they?  Nigel Lythgoe should run for President.  Adding theme nights this early in the competition could unfairly spell disaster for some of our more talented (and really good looking) contestants, I fear.  I always enjoy the process of whittling the Top 24 down to 12.  It gives us a glimpse inside the artistry (if any) of the contestant, and how they see themselves as a performer.  The window has been closed on the preview of what could be, and I verily regret that the audience will miss this insight on what makes each contestant tick.

And what really teed me off was Simon’s befuddled argument that so many of the guy’s performances sounded dated and should have been made more current… It was frikking 60’s night!  All aboard the Simey Express Bullet Train to Crazy Town?  You’s talkin’ rubbish, Mr. Cowell.

The collective body of performances last night was not impressive, considering this is OUR MOST TALENTED TOP 24 EVER!!  I didn’t hear any glaringly awful voices in the bunch - so I think we can safely blame the theme for this.  The performance factor did, however, make crystal clear who should be in the front running for the top 12.  Here is my take on the doods’ performances:

DAVID HERNANDEZ - First, I gotta say who in the bloody heck is dressing these kids?  David’s shirt looked like it was covered in ‘pit stains… or maybe used to dry Jason Castro’s hair.  It made me feel all oogie, and I cannot believe that look was intentional!  I think David is probably in the Top 3 guys as far as talent is concerned, but there is no joy in his performance.  His enthusiasm is equal to mine as I do laundry - an activity I suggest David participate in posthaste, should he be left standing after the cut on Thursday.  Going first is generally the kiss of death - and I would not be shocked to see David voted off - like a dirty shirt!

CHIKEZIE EZE - I am sorry, I just can’t refer to him as Chikezie Sans Ezie.  You have got to earn the single name moniker, dude.  Again, I really had a problem with the entire look - and from what I am reading, I am not the only one!  The suit was very Isaac the Bartender, and from the neck up he resembled Mr. TMI Gary Coleman (Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Simon?)  I could not get past the shaky start of his performance, and the song choice was chikcheesey.  Mayor McKaCheesey Eze is not gonna be safey-safe tomorrow night, especially after his senseless rambling about genre swapping and backtalk to the judges - a BIG NO-NO on your first performance, dude.  He made about as much sense as Chris Richardson defending his nasally singing last season.

DAVID COOK - While I give the man respect for rocking up the decidedly unrockable “Happy Together”, I still cannot bring myself to gush over this guy.  His sneer at the camera was menacing, and his performance only resembled Alice In Chains in the aspect that his pasty white appearance is often seen on residents of the rainy Seattle area.  I guess to sum it up in David’s own words - “Hey, you don’t suck.”

JASON YEAGER - I was happy to see that my Moon River-singing huckleberry friend had the good sense to tone down the skunk stripe in his hair.  I am gonna get such heat for this, but I actually enjoyed Jason’s performance, and hope he gets another chance.  Nothing makes this American Girl swoon more than a clean cut All-American Boy-Next-Door that dedicates his performance to Grandma.  It was subtle, it was sweet - and have a heart - this guy needs to make it so he can buy his kid a haircut.  Holy wow.  Mr. Jovi says he heard mouthwash jingles in his head as Jason sang, so that probably can’t bode well for the guy, though.

ROBBIE CARRICO - Paula needs to stop drinking her special punch through a straw… because she seemed to be sitting at the front of the sucker bus when she christened Robbie as “The Real Deal”.  I would never step out and say that right off the bat about a boy band singer turned rocker that appears to hold his hair onto his head with doo-rags and beanies.  Come on, you only see a hairline like that on primates.  I am attracted to Robbie’s 80’s melodic rocker voice, but this song choice was not good for him, for me.

DAVID ARCHULETA - Now this is a guy who knows how to pick a song.  Not my favorite song by a mile, but he was so effortless in the way he performed, there seemed to be no doubt that he was 100% comfortable in his song choice.  And that works.  Cupid must shoot me in the butt everytime this kid performs, because I just can’t find fault with him.  His goofy modesty is just perfectly endearing in every way.

DANNY NORIEGA - When it was announced pre-performance that Danny was taking on The King, my expectations instantly fell, as I could not see where my precious little DannyDiva might be hiding some rock n’ roll “swagger and attitude”.  Drooping skinny jeans and ties aside, I was pleasantly surprised.  While Noriega was not as good as our other Idol Dictator Contestant (Jason Castro), I enjoyed the performance.  Danny is fearless if nothing else, and I respect him for that.  And, his voice really is good.  Give the kid a break, Simon… look for the colors - see the vocals.

LUKE MENARD - I am going to put on my genetic scientist lab coat and say that Luke is a dreamy pairing of Orlando Bloom and Andy Gibb - the first man to ever hang on my wall (that sounds more criminal than it was, I assure you).  But, Luke’s lukewarm performance transformed him into OrBlando Who?  Just not good enough, and his falsetto was pitchy.  I would love me some Kenny Loggins vocal stylings, so I say we keep him around another week.  I have been dying to hear one of the greatest pop songs EVER - “Nobody’s Fool” - performed on Idol, baby!  Side note:  Paula, why the hatin’ on the colors black and gray?  Al Shaprton is so knocking on your door soon.  Hope you have shakedown insurance!

COLTON BERRY - Dude, you lost me at mental rehearsals of the Teletubbies theme.  Jeepers, that incognito Simon suck-up was too goofy, even for me.  Colton made the wise decision to de-Casperize his pale blond locks, but keep the Clay Bangs.  And I guess hanging suspenders are back in - gnarly to the max!  He also opted to make his first impression in the competition with his version of the Chris Daughtry swan song, Suspicious Minds.  My opinion?  Don’t mix Elvis with show tunes, kiddies… that Idol cocktail could be lethal.

GARRETT HALEY - I whole-heartedly recommend that the young mens shave, wax, laser or taser any scant traces of facial pubes before they encounter the hi-definition close-up.  One should NEVER take their fashion cues from Sanjaya.  Garrett sang a very cookie-cutter performance of Neil Sedaka’s Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.  In fairness, I think it was a fitting song choice for his prepubescent voice, and I got quite a nostalgic kick out of his impersonation of Garth Algar as he mouthed the words appearing on the teleprompter while Ryan read them.  I hope he sticks around long enough so that we get to witness his Peter Brady “Time To Change” moment on stage.

JASON CASTRO - He’s a drummer, ladies and gentleman!  Smart move on going with the guitar over the drums.  Well played, Idol Dictator Castro!  I am getting a crush on Jason, and that concerns me because he is Danny Zuko plus dreadlocks minus butt chin.  His version of “Daydream” was, in fact, dreamy.  It was the most authentic performance of the night, and it reminded me a little of Blind Melon - somehow in a good way, as I am by no means a Blind Melon fan.  I love that Jason appears to be walking a fine line between stoner and nerd - who woulda thought that combination would ever work?

MICHAEL JOHNS - Yay, fire screensaver background is back!  The fire was rather redundant, as Michael is so hot, I am en el fuego.  This boy is my horse, and I think he is innit to winnit.  Is February to early for air conditioning?

Speak up and let me know what YOU thought of last night’s show - were you happy to see The ‘Crest pretending to care again (blazer instead of threadbare t-shirt)?  Do you anticipate that scarves must be the Idol must-have fashion accessory of the season?  Do you wonder why we never see the Red Room anymore?

I’ll be back later with my song suggestions for the girls, if you are into that sorta thing.

Jovi out!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 at 3:04 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

There is nothing I like more than predicting - well, more informing the contestants what songs they should be “blowin’ out the box” each and every week.  I am probably a little premature in my choices, as apparently the American Idol producers have opted not to show any love via post Hollywood week airtime to several of our Top 12 mens scheduled to sing tonight.  So, me and my iPod are wingin’ it with these suggestions.  Enjoy!

David Archuleta - I say stick with the 1980’s pop rock formula, like a Richard Marx joint.  It isn’t a bad thing to be kinda safe on the first night, as long as you aren’t performing first. 

Colton Berry - Maybe it is Colton’s ghostly appearance that gives me the heebie jeebies… I think “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins would be goosebump inducing - maybe not in a good way, but so what?

Robbie Carrico - If he’s gonna look like Bret Michaels, I say take that style as far as you can by hitting the stage with a soulful boy-band version of Poison’s “Talk Dirty To Me”.

Jason Castro - I suggest a little “Red, Red Wine” by UB40 for Jason to compliment the irie-ness of his look.  Dear Lord, I pray this guy is a mediocre singer, because if dreds come back in style… Dudes, you gotta wash the mop!  Chicks don’t dig the smell - have you seen how much money we spend on various smell gooderies at Bath and Body Works?   By the way - how weird is it that we have two guys names after dictators this year?  Craaaazy, Ben Fong-Torres. 

David Cook - Dishwalla, The Verve Pipe, or basically any 90’s frat-rock one hit wonder band should suffice.

Chikezie Eze - I’d like to hear my man Chikezie sing some Commodores (would “Easy” be too obvious?), or maybe surprise us with a little “Freedom ‘90″ by George Michael.  Oh yeah, I said it.

Garrett Haley - “I Was Made For Dancin’” by Leif Garrett.  Duh.

David Hernandez - Here is a guy that needs to find his inner “party dude”.  No better way to do that than to throw down the 80’s gauntlet - I suggest Hall & Oates or Journey.  All he has to do is imagine one of their videos while he performs to appear like he is having a good time.

Michael Johns - I say Mr. Hot Aussie is the front runner going into tonight’s show.  I think he should show a little love to the homeland by singing some Rick Springfield, INXS or Silverchair.  He could probably even make ”Physical” by Olivia Newton-John sound hot.

Luke Menard - I have no idea on this one.  I kinda get the vibe that this Orlando Bloom clone might be kinda smokin’ hot when he sings, but I have no idea what style to go with… so, I’ll pimp my favorite band and suggest “Armageddon It” by Def Leppard (why not!) or “Dirty White Boy” by Foreigner.

Danny Noriega - Dictator #2 could rock some Savage Garden (Chick ah cherry cola!), or maybe something by Queen.

Jason Yeager - Uh, who plays the Branson circuit these days?  How’s ’bout some Daniel O’Donnell or M-M-Mel Tillis?

Almost showtime, so I will catch you on the flip side!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008 at 9:37 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

The Top 24 have been decided, kiddies!

  

It seems like it took us so very long to arrive at our American Idol Top 24 - and yet, I hardly know anything about (let alone heard a single note sung by):

Jason “Judge Dredlock” Castro
“Leif” Garrett Haley
Luke “Legolas” Menard
Jason “Live From Branson” Yeager

The contestants above receive a grade of Incomplete on their Idol report card due to simple lack of exposure.  I wish the Idol Powers That Be would rethink this policy for next season.  I don’t think it is asking too much to see the Top 24 contestants at least once prior to Hollywood week.  It’s not like there isn’t time in the schedule, folks!  Was it more important that we view the inevitable crash and burn of Amy Catherine Flynn?  Not to say I didn’t delight in it, but I would rather they give me the good stuff. 

Maybe I just need some justification that young Josiah Leming deserves to return to living life in his car.  I will concede that “Stand By Me” was a train wreck - but maybe only because we could not hear the music in his head?  You gotta admit that his version of “Grace Kelly” was damn cool - especially when compared to the countless tired versions of “Ribbon In The Sky” we are subjected to year after year.  The cool factor is practically non-existent this early in the competition.  Josiah at least made it interesting.

So, the 24 that remain make up what is probably the most diverse Idol group we have seen in a while.  It should be a fun ride as we see who rises to the top - and I definitely already have my favorites.  I have graded them below - on a curve, of course - because really, they are all winners at this point.  Right Paula?

DECIDEDLY HOT:

Michael Johns - A+
Mama likes what she sees so far, laddie.  I am not sure why David Cook continues to be referred to as the resident rocker this season.  Homeboy doesn’t hold a gothic pewter candlestick to Michael.  Rock and roll fans, this is the contestant I am looking towards to further our cause!  I am guessing that Michael’s version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” made King Freddie smile and quiver with delight upon his throne in Rock N’ Roll Heaven.  Dee-lish!

David Archuleta - A
I believe David earned the first patented Randy-ism (”That was da bomb!”) of the season.  Well deserved.  His “Heaven” audition was good enough to inspire me to dust off my Bryan Adams “Reckless” LP and sing into my hairbrush.  David just gives me the warm fuzzies - his innocence and humility have charmed this jaded ol’ heart o’ mine.

Asia’h Epperson - A-
Asia’h has improved dramatically for me since her original audition.  She seems to have better control of her breathing when she sings, and I think she definitely looks the part of the American Idol.  She is adorable times a tradillion percent… Or was it trazillion?

Chikezie Eze - A-
We didn’t get to see any of his Hollywood week auditions, but for some reason we did see some of his reaction shots to what I can only assume were the judges comments.  He looked happy, and I sense there are good things in store from Chikezie and his yummy voice - plus, he was one of my favorite auditions of the season.

Carly Smithson - B+
I guess a “doost” mask is the cure for what ails ya when you are allergic to your doggie.  Don’t you just love Irish accents?  Maybe it’s just me, as I am a card carrying Bono worshipper.  Carly didn’t overwhelm me with her original audition, and I admit I am still a little on the fence - the producers seem to be force-feeding her to us.  I will cut her some slack, as she does seem like a cool chickie, and in spite of the Cher-meets-Celine quality of her voice, I think she is talented.  I just hope her boyfriend will quit inking up her lovely Irish skin - it’s gettin’ to be a little much for hi-def TV.

Ramiele Malubay - B+
I am warming to Ramiele.  She still comes off as a little phoney and that annoys me a teeny bit, but her voice really is outstanding.  It won’t be easy to outsing her - but probably not too a huge feat to be more likeable/memorable.

DECIDEDLY UNDECIDED:

Danny Noriega - B
Has anyone else noticed that Danny, Ramiele and Colton all have a version of Clay Bangs?  Did someone call for a makeover?  Okay, back to Danni “Boy” - I love his energy, and his voice is WOW.  I do think that the silly “sistah diva” performance moves will become annoying sooner than later.  Hopefully he can tone it down and just SING - he will do better if he works on selling his voice, not himself. 

Brooke White - B
Brooke has a very funky, indie vibe about her, and I like it.  She might be too pure and vulnerable to take a real risk, which could hurt her when the competition really digs in.

Kady Malloy - B
Judging from her original audition, she should be able to show a lot of versatility come theme weeks.  Plus, pretty blondes seem to stick around whether they are worthy or not.  Could suffer as a result of being interchangable with Alaina Whitaker.

Amanda Overmyer - B-
I really like Amanda’s look and personality.  She has a growl to be reckoned with, though sometimes it verges on phlegmy, rather than raspy.  If I am being honest, I do not agree with Randy that she will revive the 60’s sound.  I don’t know anyone that is saving their tie dye shirts and burning their bras in the hopes of that happening - do you?  To stand a chance, Amanda is going to have to TKO a post-1970’s rock song, while making it her own.  I fear anything she sings will sound like Janis karaoke.

Syesha Mercado - B-
I didn’t care for Syesha’s orignal audition in Miami, but she worked it out in her “Chain of Fools” audition, dawg.   The pitchiness of her original audition seems to have been eliminated, but she still oversings and makes my ears bleed a little (gee, I wonder where her voice went?)  I do hope that if she loses her voice again, that she will leave the annoying INXS “Mediate” signage at home.

Robbie Carrico - B-
I am not feeling the whole Bret Michaels makeover, and I am a little skeptical on just how an ex boy band-er evolves into a rocker - but I must give him the benefit of the doubt for now, as there is a pretty darn good voice lurking under that doo-rag.  Hopefully the Idol stylists will execute a look that doesn’t completely clash with the boy-band goodness of his voice, and showcases his inner Jon Bon Timberlake.

David Hernandez - C+
I can’t put my finger on it, but David is a little annoying for me when he performs.  His vocal range is delicious, and he is a really good looking guy.  It just seems like he takes himself too seriously, performs kind of in a poser-y manner, and lacks charisma.  He needs to make his mark early - or he will be going the way of pack-it-in-Patrick Hall.

Kristy Lee Cook - C+
Anyone else see this horse lover as a one-trick pony?  Enough with the “Amazing Grace” redux - sooner or later the object of my brother’s affection will have to step out of her comfy zone, and I have to wonder if she will be as worthy as she has been built up to be?  Of course, Kimberley Locke drowned us in version after version of “Over The Rainbow” in the early rounds of Season 2, and she faired pretty well.

DECIDEDLY NOT:

David Cook - C
Dave seems like a nice enough guy, but nothing about him screams ROCK DUDE!! to me.  Maybe it was his pasty white head, blue tongue and Easter egg colored hair.  I find him forgetable.  Meh.

Alaina Whitaker - C-
I remember her as being ‘too big for her britches’ in her original audition, and she will suffer from being interchangable with the more talented Kady Malloy.

Joanne Borgella - C-
She is stunning, and her personality is fantastic - I just cannot warm to the voice.  A little too Stevie Scott for me.

Colton Berry - D+
Casper, or Whitey (as I like to call him) definitely has his work cut out for him.  What little sampling of his voice I heard sent me right to sleepy-sleep.  On the surface, it seems that Colton is kind of a nervous guy.  The only thing that will save him is if it rains wine and roses as he sings…

Alexandrea Lushington - D
It is probably not fair of me to grade her this way - maybe a grade of Incomplete would be more appropriate.  I only heard a couple seconds of her audition, and it didn’t thrill me.  She will have to work harder than any other girl in the competition to get noticed.

Amy Davis - F
I am guessing she must have brought her “large repitoire” to Hollywood, because I just don’t understand this choice by the judges.  Her original audition of “Blue Bayou” was cookie-cutter and weak.  Too bad that is all we have seen so far.

Suggestions to improve Hollywood week for next season - can we please eliminate:

- Flirty promotional fantasies between Ryan and other sexually ambiguous celebrities
- Paula’s Rambling Chamber of Torture (I think her schoolmarm bun inspired this blog)
- Simon’s hissy fits when he doesn’t agree with a decision
- Shots of Randy from the waist down - were those shoes a gift from Cousin Eddie?
- The 10K walk to the judges table, unless it’s for charity
- Instruments - drums, in particular - unless Phil Collins auditions

Good riddance to: 
Amy Catherine Flynn - Try to abstain from songs you learned yesterday!
Brooke Helvie - Back to the pageant circuit you go - pay attention in manners class!
“Garlic” Ghaleb Emachah and Cardin McKinney - Get a frikkin’ room!

Sorry to see you go:
Josiah Leming - Learn not to fall in love with your own ideas.  You are wee, but with experience, you’ll learn.  You have got it, so use it!
Leo Marlowe - I feel like I have been jilted at the Homecoming dance. 
Kyle Ensley - You have been disenfranchised.  I’d vote for you.
Angela Martin - God bless you and Jessie.  You are a class act.
Ronald Hodge - How do you keep going now?  (Ryan’s insensitive question of the year!)

Class dismissed! 

This entry was posted on Monday, February 18th, 2008 at 7:08 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

I am very late in posting my thoughts from Wednesday night’s ”Best of the Rest” audition show.  Forgive me - I have been celebrating the conclusion of the auditions (YIPPIE!), and then nursing a two day hangover post-celebration.  I doubt anyone is still interested - but since I seem to have adopted a Tourette’s-like tic to repeatedly utter the name “Chickezie Eze” every chance I get (try it - it’s fun!), I figured I had better go ahead and get this out of my system!

This time I took names, so prepare to be impressed…

Amy Davis - So, Amy mentioned that she comes from a lower than lower middle class family - whatever that means.  She was raised by her mom who she “watched” work multiple jobs while raising six kids.  If I am going by the hoochie-riffic dance she performed in the confessional, I would guess Mama was a pole dancer.  Amy is a knock out, and why not work it if you got it?  But, this is a SINGING competition, and her audition of “Blue Bayou” was about as entertaining and original as a day at the flea market.  Alas, the judges didn’t agree with me, as they were mesmerized by her “large repitoire”, i.e. breastases, and her “possibility of vocals”.  Seems to me that Simon and Randy have been drinking Paula’s Kool-Aid.

Tiffany McCambell - Thanks again Idol, for another intentionally bad audition.  Tiffy is either fulla crap, or as her vocal warm-up technique would suggest - she just might be taking vocal lessons from a Lamaze instructor.  Or perhaps her voice is “more maturing” in part due to the arrival of her first estrous cycle. 

Chris-Ashley-Corey Love Triangle - I almost left the room to take a shower at the beginning of this story - but I am glad I stuck around to see the wannabe rappin’, double dippin’ twin bros urge Ashley into the audition to expose her overinflated confidence in her own talent, where she was greeted with a much needed dose of reality from the judges.  The play-by-play of the brothers telling Ryan how much she sucks was very gratifying, as well.  Maybe that sweet doggie Panda was finally able to ride in her lap on the way home, now that her ego has been placed in the back seat.  I am of the belief that the Idol world certainly doesn’t need another Kellie Pickler clone so soon - excrutiatin’, indeed.

Cardin Lee McKinney - Something about her reminded me of Stevie Scott, without the helium effect.  Decent voice, but the theatrical tendencies overshadow the pop potential.  Not a runaway favorite, I’d guess.

JoAnne Borgella - This Jersey girl was drop dead beautiful and seemed to have a cool personality - but I am with Simon - her voice didn’t make me go ga-ga for her.  I saw her and thought - “CHAKA KHAN!” - but she sounded more like Stephanie Mills with a case of nerves.  Paula suspects that JoAnne will come to Hollywood equipped with “lots of different sounds”.  If JoAnne hopes to win the support of the coveted 18-24 year old demographic, beware of the possibility of various flatulence detonations.  Potty humor still rules in that age group - at least that is what I hear on the MTV.  Paula should not be so vague with her advice… just sayin’.

Alesha Stelzl - Now this is the kind of bad audition I can get into.  Who would have thought that Randy’s suggestion to sing a Dolly song would work - and who would have thought that this would be the girl to actually pull it off?  At first I couldn’t tell if she was intellectually challenged, shy, or Canadian (everytime she spoke, it sounded like a question?) - I think she just has the personality and emotional depth of a zip tie… but I have to give her credit on learning the song (sort of) and performing what turned out to not be the worst audition in Idol history.  Now she just needs to tone down the “Cherry Pie” video vixen makeover - it’s never flattering when your teeth and hair appear to be the same color in Hi-Def.  Teeth should ALWAYS be whiter than hair.  No exceptions.

Joshua Moreland, aka Jaysmoove - Jaysmoove!  Don’t dat name just roll off da teef?  I was a little disappointed that Jaysmoove’s accoutrements, airborne push-ups and original song “Beautiful Lady” didn’t seem to charm the judges in the way he had hoped.  He was accused of singing in the “helium area”, and was sent home without a golden ticket.  Kind of a bummer… his voice wasn’t so bad.  Maybe the rose petals were a smidge too much?

Chickezie Eze - I want to say “Gesundheit!” whenever I hear his name, but so what?  For me, Chickezie was the “smoovest” audition of the show - my goose bump detector alarm even went off - and I thought it was broken.  I didn’t approve of Chickezie’s step-on-the-judges-toes moment when they cut in to end the audition, and he powered through, ignoring their request that he stop - a little obnoxious, and always p’s me off.  However, his resplendent voice, engaging smile and phonetically fabulous name have me intrigued.

Danny Noriega - Another jaw dropping audition, dawg!  I was a seeing shades of Sanjaya when he walked into the audition room - but he stepped into position and belted out “Proud Mary” with such heart and confidence, I could not help but take notice and approve.  I am willing to concede that we may witness a case of Sanjaya-meets-Clay in this one, but I am gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.  I loved that the unsubtle humor of Danny’s audition song choice was not lost on my dude, Randy! 

I’ve gots to admit that I am really looking forward to Hollywood week.  The preview at the end of Wednesday night’s show had me all a-tingle, pondering the possibilities.  Imagine if Kevin Covais had to audition in a group of people that played an instrument?  Our ears would have been thpared thome theriouth agony. My expecations are so high, I am certain to be let down… but at least we’ll have somethin’ to snark about.

See ya in Hollyweird.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 10th, 2008 at 8:57 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

So Idol fans, have you all had your fill of bad American Idol audiovisual dining?  It’s kind of like having a frozen TV dinner every night.  Unsatisfying and not yummy.  I can only speak for myself, but I say “Hollywood!  Come and get me Hollywood!” 

Good news/bad news - Hollywood is just around the corner, but we have to suffer through one more night of auditions.  They are billing tonight’s show as “The Best of the Rest” - an American Idol fire sale, if you will.

Quick thoughts from the Atlanta auditions that aired last night:

- The “HOTlanta” talent pool left me cold and clammy.  If three times are a charm, the fourth time is a nap.

- Ryan finally wore a shirt with a collar and a tiny alligator - yay!  Buttons, too - mama likey.

-  Is it wrong that Asian singers with stereotypical accents still make me laugh?  “Gramourous Atranta…”  Hey, don’t blame me.  It all started when I first watched the Chinese restaurant scene at the end of “A Christmas Story”.

- Why has no one else ever considered purchasing fashion accessories at AutoZone before now?!?  Classy!

As for the auditioners - can’t say I was much impressed at all. 

Hyper Ocular Muscles Glass Guy - At first I was a little excited because I found him oddly attractive, and he seemed interesting in a charming, quirky way - even if he mentioned in his interview that he gets great pleasure from walking around with a tool sticking out of his pocket - a little TMI.  Mad props to anyone who is willing to take on a Queen song… that being said, one faces a significant problem with taking on a Queen song, and that is that most people are NOT Freddie Mercury.  The theatrical nature of most Queen songs tends to come off as more Broadway than Pop when performed by those with lesser talent.  Lesser talent = anyone that isn’t Freddie.  You do the math.  And, it is never a good sign when you have to audition with your back to the camera - something tells me this guy is going to blow glass come Hollywood week.

Carrie Underwood’s Audition Buddy - Judges, why you be hatin’ on Carrie’s boy?  Don’t make him unfairly suffer through FOUR years of school - can’t you see that after two Idol auditions, he has paid his dues?  I would bet money that this is the one guy that would actually lessen the nasally quality of his voice by placing a clothespin on his nose when he sings.  Was it just me, or does anyone wonder if this guy had some plastic surgery done by a caricature artist?   

Small Town Country Girl With City Girl Name Asia’h - This was the beautiful girl who had tragically just lost her father in a car accident.  I hate to speak negatively of her given what she went through just getting there to audition - but I have to be honest… vocally, she is not ready for this competition, but will probably get farther than she deserves to based on the sympathy of the judges.  Paula’s first cry of the season came in record time, for Seacrest’s sake!  Right now Asia’h doesn’t seem to have very good control of her voice - too breathy, and too much air coming through her nose when she pushes a note.  It almost sounded like an antique car horn as it starts to honk, and doth not please my ears.  I think she showed amazing poise, and she does have great potential - hopefully the judges will do her a favor and send her home from Hollywood early so that maybe she can come back once her voice matures.

South Florida Pageant Girl - I was with Simon in hoping beyond hope that this girl would have “the suck” when it came to singing.  She was over the top and annoying, but really had a pretty solid voice.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude about this one - maybe she will be our pop version of Kellie Pickler this season, if they let her stick around and “doo-doo American Idol”.

Eva Who Has Everything - Except balance, a voice, fashion sense… what am I missing?  Oh, and a Golden Ticket to Hollywood.  She did get a hug from Simon, though - so she’s got that going for her.

Girl With 93 Year Old Granny - This audition was way to short to even get a glimpse of her personality, so the Jovi Jury is out on this one.  I was not a fan of the Boy Scout wardrobe, and if I never hear “My Funny Valentine” on Idol again, it will be TOO SOON.  That goes for any and ALL Janis Joplin songs, as well.  Enough!  ENOUGH.

Teen American Comedian Idol - I think someone has been watching too many Kevin Smith movies in the downtime of perfecting that American Idol ”bedroom audition”!  I closed my eyes while this smart aleck was jabberin’ on, and he sounded just like Randal Graves from Clerks - if Randal was 90% less witty, and 50% more angsty.

Nurse At A Crossroads - Loved her look, and she had me at “big girl bike” - but she auditioned with a Janis Joplin song, and if you read this blog, you know by now that is a cardinal sin in my Idol Bible.  She does have a gritty and very strong voice, but would we hear her on the radio in 2008?  Doubt it.  I learned my lesson from Taylor Hicks, and I am sure the Idol producers have, too.  The females making it in rock these days don’t sound like Janis - they sound more like Amy Lee from Evanescence.  If Gina Glocksen couldn’t do it, I just don’t see it happening for this girl - unless she finds a way to ROCK and AWE the audience on a really modern rock song.

Ballock-y Jewel Junior - Poor kid lives in a CAR… doesn’t mean I needed a tour, thankyouverymuch.  I imagine that the bag of dirty clothes was seriously lacking in April freshness after sitting out in the Georgia sun… tasty.  Anyway - given the apparent Season 7 transformation of Simon’s now buttery-soft heart, you just knew he couldn’t be callous enough to deny someone with a story like this a Golden Ticket to Hollywood!  (Paula has made it very clear how she feels about cold-hearted snakes.)  I have a lingering concern that this kid suffering is from multiple personality disorder or is indulging in some wacky, illegal pharmaceuticals.  How else does the voice of a homeless kid from Tennessee evolve into Liam from Oasis meets Shari Lewis as Lamb Chop?

I have me a date with my DVR to watch tonight’s show, so must say bahhh-bahhh for now! 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 6th, 2008 at 10:21 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Qué está sucediendo, mi amigos!  My blog is late, and I apologize.  ‘Real’ work came a calling yesterday, and I thank our legions of readers for their patience.    Hey, there could be legions.  Anyway…

They said the rhythm was gonna get me in Miami - well, not so much.  The American Idol talent in Miami was just aiight for me, dawg.  I have never been to Miami, but the picture I had in my mind had always included beautiful, sculpted, glistening metrosexual men in very little clothing, cavorting and salsa dancing on every corner.  Either the myth has been shattered - or Paula lured them away with her itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, “slutty” animal print dress, drugged them with a sip from her toxic Coke cup, and hid them all under the bed in her hotel room.  Or, maybe the rhythm got them post American Idol arrival.  Damn yous, evil rhythm!

So, did anyone else download the Miami Vice theme after the show Wednesday night?  Me neither, I was just checkin’.  I am more of an Axel F kinda gal.

Alrighty, since we haven’t any fetching, nasty mens to discuss, let’s talk auditions!

The Hungarian Janis Joplin - One question:  how did we get TWO Janis Joplin songs in the Miami audtions, and no Gloria Estefan?  Did some hurricane blow through the region and suck the Sound Machine Latin flava right out of Miami, ya’ll?  It’s like going to Hawaii auditions, and no one performing an interpretive hula dance while wearing a coconut bra and grass skirt… I felt cheated.  Okay, back to Juno Joplin MacGuff - not much to say, other than if I ever dropped a belch bomb like that in my dad’s place of business, he would have thunked the sense right out of me.  One would have to be ingesting raw meat to achieve a belch like that, so she must have trained herself to “sing” whilst she was working.  This would also explain why she sounds like she is eating when she sings, and has the tonal range of a meat grinder.

The Reformed Boy Band-er Guy - I kind of found his confidence attractive when he sang.  There were very faint (I mean, really faint) shades of Bo Bice when he performed.  That being said - long hair, a knit beanie and black wardrobe does not a rocker make.  His voice was good, but I don’t know if it would inspire me to celebrate him with a shower of silly string.  I am just not sold on his rocker cred, yet.

Antonio “Garlic” Iglesias Hombre - I coudn’t understand a word mi hombre said… but I think he said his name was Garlic?  Apropos, because I was plenty repelled.  I do not enjoy hearing a strong accent when someone sings - just sing in Spanish if you can’t water it down.  Methinks the only explanation for letting Mini-Banderas through to Hollywood is to conduct a Corey Clark experiment - bait the cougar and see if she will pounce.  

Maneater Jazz Sister Friends - I loved these girls - great throwback voices, and they will hopefully add some full-figured fun to Hollywood week… until they are separated by the audition process, then we will have some nice dramatic tension to fall back on.  Did anyone else think that Corliss sounded like Paris Bennett, only less “influenced”?  I loved her audition, and she’s got a lot to offer the competition if she will stop chasing the mens and work at it.

The Single Mom Trying To Make Good - In spite of this chick totally reminding me of Anna Nicole Smith, I actually really liked her.  Her voice is a little out of shape after not using it for three years, but her cutie pie of a daughter, coupled with the satisfaction of sticking it to her baby daddy just might be enough motivation for her to excel.  It worked pretty well for LaKisha Jones, dinnit?  Not everyone that is ‘down with the struggle’ can display their emotion in such a captivating manner while performing - it seemed to come naturally for this girl.  See Bubbly Singer Actress Chick below…   

*Random Musing Alert*  Jasmine Trias’ album is Platinum in the Philippines - the equivalent of achieving Aluminum in the United States.  Go Jaz!

Secret Asian Pixie Chick - Her tone reminded me of Kelly Clarkson without the rasp, and she had a pretty strong voice.  She was cute as a button, but I sense there might be something annoying lying under the surface.  She gave me a vibe similar to that I got from Norah Jones Clone in the Omaha auditions.  Sometimes teeny tiny people overcompensate - that’s all I’m sayin’.

Bubbly Singer Actress Chick - Great attitude, beautiful girl.  Though, when she sang it was all power, no range.  She was pitchy, and the audition was too forced for my tastes.  Simon seemed to be in my corner, but gave her a yes, anyway.  I guess she was good enough to go to Hollywood, but beyond that, I am not expecting much.  She is the consummate example of being down with the struggle (Daddy’s drug battle), and not tapping into that emotion when you perform.  Too much sunshine and lollipops for me.

*Random Musing Alert*  This show offered plenty of pretty Miami eye candy for my husband at every turn, and I get jack.  Mr. Lythgoe, where is the love?

American Juniors Drama Princess - Teenage auditioners, just say no to Janis - especially when you look like the street walkin’ version of Hannah Montana.  I think this girl and Little Miss Abstinence from the South Carolina auditions should hook up for a political debate, moderated by Brandon B.  Attention FOX - that would be fantasticly fine family fun! 

Brandon B - 742!!  Nobody move!!  Pimpin’!  Pimpin’!  Pimpin’!  The Jimmy Walker of his generation, ladies and gentlemen!  (Like we needed it!)

Okay everyone - gotta check my Palm Pilot… have a great weekend!

This entry was posted on Friday, February 1st, 2008 at 1:47 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.

Oh, please tell me that we will get to the Top 24 soon.  Some of these auditions are getting downright painful, and regretfully, I don’t currently have a liquor cabinet in my house.  I am now forced to consider remodeling my basement to install a fully stocked cantina, solely for the purpose of “supporting” me through the Idol audition process.  As the Red Rocker once said - “Mas tequila!”  Si, por favor.

So, this week we were treated to the vocally endowed in the apparently very sexually repressed midwest.  I was hoping for some pretty decent Ha!s from Oma-ha, but the city didn’t live up to its name.  (See, it’s drying up my wit well!)  The bad singers were mostly just annoying, and lacked the charm of previous cities.  Thankfully, there were a couple of dern gooder singers in this crop o’ Idol hopefuls.

Let’s start off with a few random musings, as I have to get these out of my brain.  First, it appears that we humans have finally surpassed the aliens in our crop harvest design technology.  The farmers in Nebraska made a frikkin’ American Idol logo in their corn fields.  Kind of puts those crop circles to shame, I reckon. 

Speaking of mysterious sightings - I am happy to report that I cracked the code of some obscure language used at the beginning of the show - note:  ‘Paula plane delay’ translation = not-quite-sober-hangover.  If you were paying attention, you’d notice that she judged like, one contestant - once she showed up.  Most of her comments were inexpicably cut, and they even brought Ryan in to judge - this had to have been out of necessity, as the gag was certainly not entertaining.  And of course, there was the Hiccup Heard ‘Round the World.  I rest my case… “Simey”, Randy and the producers definitely have Pauler’s blotto back. 

Um… ‘Forgot The Lyrics’ game show and “Stuck In The Middle” medley?  Oh dear my.  Mr. Blonde, where are you when I need you?

Okay, on with the auditions!

FOX 42’s Neoteric Red Carpet Guy - Remember Keith from Season 2?  Well, this guy was Keith, the Sequel.  He had to be related, right?  Nasal is a form of singing that is genetic, I believe.  With all the sincerity of Hillary Clinton, homeboy wiped his invisible tear from beneath his eye, and gave Simon and Randy all he’s got - including a handstand.  Watch your back on the red carpet, Mikalah Gordon - especially when this guy explodes and happiness goes flying everywhere.  Ew.  :p

The Guy Who Couldn’t Get The Song Out - Man, I would love to know what the contestant quota is for Hollywood week.  No way this guy deserved a golden ticket.  I found him to be a pretty, poor man’s Josh Gracin.  Decent voice, but nothing different - really affected (turn of the damn CMT!), and he oversang the song.  The only reason they let him through is his ability to make the camera (and girls, apparently) squeak.

Arm Wrasslin’ Pretty Woman - If being a decent-but-not-strong-enough-to-beat-Ryan arm wrestler is your most interesting trait, I suggest that you don’t parade that snoozer of a gimmick in front of the cameras.  Lucky for her, I really thought her yodel-y voice was pretty good - PRETTY, even… and thought vocally, she stands out from the gazillion other female country singers we have heard so far.  And, she reminded me of a softer, less phony version of Julia Roberts.  If she can connect with her true age, I think she’ll bring it come HWood Week.

The Chick With The Undertaker Makeover - Now see, - this cackling for attention, most certainly friendless (except for Mom), fashionably and cosmetically challenged misfit could have been put to good use for our entertainment, Idol powers that be!  If we had to be subjected to her manic and anti-goth audition that made me wanna kick my flatscreen through the wall, shouldn’t we have at least been rewarded with an Arm Wrestling Cage Match Smackdown of Death!! between her and Julia Junior; refereed by Ryan.  It would have been win-win, people!

The Chick Who Cloned Norah Jones - The judges were really distracted at this point, and probably had a quota to fill.  “Don’t Know Why” she is coming to Hollywood.

Daddy’s Little Basket Case - Really pretty girl with a decent pop poice, and a gorgeous smile she doesn’t use.  I felt kind of sorry for her, but I couldn’t get past the drama.  It takes a lot of poise and confidence to be a pop star, and this girl was way too emotional.  She should probably resolve her family issues before trying to pursue a career in music.  All those shirtless photos of “dear old dad” supplied much more uncomfortable insight than I needed.

Bartender Rocker Guy - Wow, it seems Idol is a little too desperate to find this season’s resident rocker.  This fellow had an okay voice, but playing this audition after all the Daughtry! hype was just plain false advertising, man.  The guy was way too timid, and he looked like he was dressed up as Good Charlotte for Halloween, but his mommy wouldn’t lend him her eyeliner… or, maybe a beatboxer.  Chris Daughtry is like raw sugar, this guy is more like Stevia - a little too good for me to be rock n’ roll.  I need to see a wolf come out of this sheep’s argyle sweater PDQ.

Johnny B. Flamboyant - Great, we were subjected to this audition just to hear Paula’s Hiccup o’ Death.  Was it worth it?  Undecided here.  Let’s just hope the James Brown of Scottsbluff puts his mother’s sequined blouse back in the closet before she notices.

Mr. Homecoming Queen, 2008 - Touchdown, indeed.  Even sauced Paula speaks the truth, yo.  I LOVE this guy.  Probably my favorite contestant so far, and I want him to sign my yearbook and be my BFF 4-eva.  His voice reminded me a little of Elliott Yamin, but this guy shows more confidence - mixed with almost a nerdy humility that has me en el fuego!  Look out, Mr. DiCaprio, there is a new Leo in town…

Off to Miami, where Simon will appear to be an even whiter shade of pale, Paula will be seeking out a spicy little protege, Randy might discover some flava-filled Yo Factor and Ryan will undoubtedly dress better than he has in three weeks.  How about a little fire, Scarecrow?  Ay yi yi.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 30th, 2008 at 8:42 pm and is filed under Television, American Idol.