Before I start my review, would like to publicly thank Teri Hatcher for:
a. Not singing again.
b. Not making out with Ryan in front of a photographic device.
c. For no longer making those annoying commercials with Howie Long.
Thank you, Teri.
Now, on with my emotional analysis of Mariah Carey night. It actually wasn’t as bad as I had expected it to be - of course I hadn’t set the bar high in my mind, either. Guess Mariah is a better songwriter than I had given her credit for, and she didn’t disappoint by proving that she lives up to the diva stereotype she has been pegged with for years. I mean, she actually brought her dog to meet with the Idols. Which begs the question: who would have thought that a dog could even live within earshot of her five octave vocal range? Poor JJ must be deaf.
Quickie question - was Mariah sucking on some sort of voice enhancing cough drop, or does she always talk like that? Curiouser and curiouser…
Anyway… the performances!
DAVID A. - Did my eyes deceive, or was our little teen dream sporting leather pants? How edgy of him. The Efron-esque coiffure was at maximum height, and that was about the only thing I can remember about this performance. David is a vocal phenom, and I have conceded that he will likely win the crown this year - but for me, all of his performances are blending together in my mind - he is killing me softly with his songs. All ballads, these days. With He-Cook gaining steam of late, this would have been the week for Little Archie to really step it up and stand out, but I don’t think he did. He seemed to lack confidence in his range, and although I think he was capable of hitting the upper and lower end of his register without effort, his voice became shallow, as if he was trying to stretch or fake it. It was hard to tell whether he hit the intended mark, and I think that could hurt him, as this wasn’t really a fanbase rallying performance.
CARLY - While I still would not say she is dressing like a star, at least she was sensible enough to play down the tats, and play up the tatas. If she sticks around another week, hopfully her hair will get the full McPhee treatment for next week’s performance, because so far, it just seems like she isn’t really trying. I was excited about this song choice for Carly, but was a little disappointed that she didn’t cut loose on this song. The arrangement seemed like it held her back too long, and then it was chorus overkill. Carly’s perfect pop rock voice has wowed me from the get-go, but I am disappointed that she doesn’t seem comfortable raising the bar… maybe it’s because she is too accustomed to singing in one.
SYESHA - Bold choice of song, and the sparkly makeup and hair and shiny dress were very tasteful and lovely. She could teach Carly a thing or two about on stage style. However, while Carly seems under-confident, I think Syesha sees herself as a bigger talent than she actually is. Pretty good pitch, but she doesn’t have the strength in her voice to support the runs - one towards the end reminded me of an engine that won’t turn over on a cold winter morning. And, I kind of have to agree with Simon that choosing a lesser known song is not in her best interest right now in many ways - but in fairness, she would obviously not be able to avoid comparisons on a more familiar Mariah song. In the words of Chet Donnelly: “You’re stewed, buttwad!”
BROOKE - I think Brooke looked her best last night. I never imagined the resident sunshine girl in a sequined black frock, but she looked fabu in it. It kind of de-prissed her, which was a welcome vibe for me for her. While “Hero” is by far one of my least favorite Mariah songs, I will credit Brooke for delievering a sincere interpretation, and she did okay given the fact that she is pretty much the anti-Mariah. She might have got away with it, too - if it weren’t for those pesky words that got away from her at the end the song. She seemed to be having a mini-stroke with all the quivering and rushed breathing (maybe it was the arrangement?), and I think she is now perched on the bubble. Simon summed it up well in his fast food analogy… comparisons kill and indifference maims.
KRISTY - Did she and Syesha share a dress last night? No matter, she looked lovely - but the smoove hair ’stentions made me wonder if she was trying too hard to look “Mariah-ish”. A few weeks ago, this would have been pretty darn good - typcial Kristy Lee pitch problems and all. This week - not so much. I suspect KLC will again have her “Kristy’s Seat” note in hand come results time tonight.
*I found the Ramiele Malubay sighting amusing, if only for the fact that Ryan proved how incapable he is of dressing himself.*
SKULLY - D-Cook hit the stage looking much healthier this week, and I was glad to see it. As for the performance, well… in a word, brilliant. I hereby take back all my snotty remarks from the beginning of the season; because Skully, you complete me, and have earned my undying love and devotion. For the first time since Bo Bice was on the show, one contestant got ALL my votes of the night prior to the finale. David knows who he is, but more important than that, he has an unmatched gift (at least on this show) for conveying that to the audience. Now that Dave is showing his tender soul, I’m so lovin’ it.
JASON - I was admittedly a little concerned to see the Bedreaded Dictator perched atop that stool sans gee-tar - but all in all, I think he delivered the goods we have come to expect. Very solid vocal, but certainly not a performance that will stand out for me - the fact that he followed Skully doesn’t help there. I kind of got what Randy said about the “weird, beach luau” - but since when is a luau a bad thing? Pass the poi, and try not to smoke my lei, mister Castro! A screensaver with moonlit ocean waves and glowing tiki torches would have set the mood pefrectly, and Simon’s man-boobs could certainly benefit from the support and separation of a nice coconut bra. The hairy coconut skin would even blend well with his nature sweater…
Disclaimer: The paragraph above was read at your own risk - I cannot be held responsible for any mental trauma that occurs as a result of that imagery.
So, after last week’s shock and awww, I can’t even begin to predict how it will go down on tonight’s Results show. American Idol voters have obviously become tone deaf, obsessed with image over talent, or too dang lazy to vote for the good performers - so I’ve pretty much stopped pretending to care.
If it were my call to make, the bottom three would be Brooke (for being a one-trick pony), Kristy Lee (for riding imaginary ponies while she sings and for just not being that good, Will Hunting) and Syesha (for acting like she would rather be anywhere but onstage when she isn’t singing). Carly could find herself in the B3, but I am guessing that she picked up a few of Michael Johns’ votes this week.
Going home - it will definitely be a chick. The optimist in me thinks it will probably a chick named Syesha.
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